only You can satisfy my soul

On Tuesdays, I have lots of time for Jesus.  I have breakfast with the wonderful Anna and then I have a date with Jesus at 10.  and no classes.  Granted, today I have to study for my Psych Stats exam (ew.), but still.

I was listening to some wonderful worship music and Garden by Misty Edwards came on.
Now I'm sitting in my favorite small town coffee shop with it on repeat.

I needed this reminder:

"I am not my own; I'm Your garden."

This is such truth.  And I so often forget it...I forget that I am not my own.  I am not Katy Westra's.  I am God's.  I am the bride of Christ.  He is my husband.  I belong to Him.


I used to have a "wedding ring" to Jesus.  Not really a purity ring, but a reminder that I'm already married to the best lover in the whole wide world.  It's not the most expensive ring in the world and one day at camp (when I was climbing over a tall, completely flat wooden wall.  yeah, I'm a beast.) it softened and got all smushed and I haven't really worn it much since.  I didn't even know where I'd put it.  I didn't really care either because I got annoyed with everyone asking about my purity ring and then not getting that it wasn't one.

Today, as Garden was playing and Jesus was reminding me that I am His, I found my ring in a make-up bag that I never use anymore.  I think there was a reason for that.  I'm wearing it today. And I smile every time I see it.  It's not just a trite thing anymore like it once was.  My heart truly belongs to Jesus now.  And it's the best thing ever.

Honestly, I do have a desire to one day be a wife and mother.  This summer, Jesus promised me that would happen and I need to trust Him and not be afraid of it.  I'm excited for whenever that happens, whether it's in two years or twenty.  But, for right now, I'm married to only Jesus and He promises to satisfy me.  He can fulfill me in ways no one else could even begin to and I love belonging to Him.

My ring is etched with the words Joy, Love, and Hope.  I have Joy in the deep Love that I find in Him.  I have Hope that one day I will really get to marry my Jesus and sit at the wedding feast with Him, as His bride.  But, for now, I will rejoice in the love that we have here and learn to find complete satisfaction in Him.

Resting, rekindling, and reworking

I've been on fall break since Wednesday afternoon.  and oh boy, has it been lovely! :)

There were a lot of options of things to do and places to go over fall break...I decided that I needed rest, time with Jesus, and time with my duplex family.  So, I stayed at the duplex where I spent my "summer in the Grove."  We did go to Columbus for most of Friday and Saturday...but even that was restful and delightful! :)

I knew that I needed this break.  Life was starting to really overwhelm me and I felt kind of lost and trapped.  In the last few weeks, I've kind of lost myself and who I became.  I felt myself slipping back to the person I was before this summer.  Was that a horrible person?  No, not technically.  But it certainly is a person not living the abundant life Jesus promised me.

My first morning here, I joined everyone for AOX team prayer.  At the end, Brad prayed and prophesied over me.  God gave him a picture of me at the top of a slanted roof.  But, instead of slipping down the roof, the sides came up to meet my feet until it was a flat roof.  Then the roof turned into a rock and it just kept getting higher and higher and higher.  This summer, there were so many times of feeling like I was fighting to keep up and climb higher...Looking back now, it was like I was on a steep roof, and wondering if every step I took was making me slide down or climb higher.  By the end of the summer, I felt like I was at the top, unsure of where to go next.  In the last few weeks, it's been like my feet have slowly started to drift apart, making me start to slip so gradually I was unaware.

The next part is so beautiful.  This weekend, Jesus reminded me that I don't have to fight to balance on the peak of the roof.  Instead, I just need to rest in Him, rejoice with Him, love on Him, live with Him, and He will make the roof rise up to meet me...and then He will take me higher.

This weekend, the roof rose up to meet me.  It's not 100% flat...but it is oh so close.  And Jesus has been talking to me about how to rework my life so that I let Him make it flat.

This, this life of letting Papa do His work and Jesus simply love me, is simply beautiful.  It is full of peace, rest, tears, pain, hope, joy, laughter, and the deepest love ever imaginable.

I challenge you this week to let Jesus teach you how to rest in Him and simply be loved on by Him.  Some of my sweetest times are when I put down my Bible and journal, turn down the worship music, and just listen to Jesus speaking love over me.  Really listen.

Freed Bird Song

So, Jesus and I kind sorta just wrote a song together as I was praying and trying to go to sleep.  Weird.  for me, anyways.

Here are the lyrics at the moment.  *insert CLAM TIME* [also known as SUPER vulnerability]

p.s. I think the caged bird thingy came from being in the duplex right now...where Courtney and Teresa were always talking of such things :)  ...and definitely feeling this way right now.

Caged bird sing;

Oooh your caged bird song.

Let love flow beneath your wings.

Caged bird fly;

Oooh caged bird fly.

Your heart was made to glide.

Little birdy rest in my arms

Little birdy make Me your home.

I made you.  I love you. 

I sought you.  I paid for you. 

I call you my own.  I never let you go.

So little birdy come to me.  Come to my arms

Little birdy sing your song.

It was made to be shared. 

This life that you're leading now,

I have a better plan.

So come and follow me today,

It's time now to go.

Little birdy don't be scared.

Get out of that cage.

Come along, your wings aren't clipped.

It's time to go higher than you ever imagined.

It's time to go farther than you thought could be.

Let My love carry you there

Let My heart set you free.

Freed bird sing.

Oooh your freed bird song.

Freed bird fly.

Your heart was made to glide.

Jesus finds me worthy of His love.

I've been singing "Unashamed Love" all day long.

Jesus is worthy of my love.  He is beyond worthy of it, actually.  He's worthy of every ounce of love I have to offer.  He's worth it all.  

Best part?  He thinks that I am worthy of His love. 

WHOA.

I can't help but cry at that.  Jesus considers me worthy to be His bride!

wow wow wow wow wow.

First, listen to Unashamed Love:

Now, listen to this song that my friend Hannah just shared with me.  Yes, it's from a man to his wife.  BUT, as Hannah put it "I also feel like it's just Jesus singing over us."  So true.  Jesus sings songs like this to us, the church, His bride, all the time.  We don't always hear it, but I have no doubt that He's doing it.  So, now listen to this song.  To: You.  From: Jesus, the Ultimate Lover.

the importance of rest and family

Papa has been tugging at my heart recently.  More than tugging -- pulling, grabbing, stretching.  He keeps telling me "Rest, Katy.  You need real rest.  You need to get away and spend time ALONE with Me. You need to just be with Me and be focused solely on Me.  You need to be in My word more.  You need to listen to what I have to say to you, for you."  But, I've been struggling with going back to slight "Grover" tendencies.  The idea of business being a good thing.  And even when recognizing that it is not, still remaining busy.  I'm learning that I need to fight for alone time.  I need to fight for long stretches of time with my Jesus when no one else is around.  It is so important to me.  It makes me a completely different person.  

And I have not been fighting for it.  Oh yes, occasionally, I have been.  But daily?  Definitely not.  And I feel it.

This summer, I had it.  Sometimes I had to fight for it...I had to make myself get out of bed early to go get on that porch and be alone with Jesus.  I didn't always want to...but as soon as I got out of bed, I did.  I miss my times on the porch.  I went there Sunday after church and read a Bill Johnson book.  It was wonderful.  I missed my special spot with Jesus...more than I even realized.  I now have a little area next to my desk with pillows and blankets.  It is going to be my new Jesus spot.  I think it needs Christmas lights. :)  Today, I spent over an hour there with Him.  I have a paper due tomorrow that I haven't started, but this is so much more important.  I just soaked.  I read His word.  I journaled.  I listened as Jesus spoke love over me.  It was wonderful.  I'm about to cry just thinking about how much I missed it and longed for it.  It's time to establish a new rhythm of life.

Papa has also been talking to me a bit about family.  Spiritual family -- both the one developing in Grove City and the one that I already have.  I haven't been as good about keeping in touch with all of my family from this summer as I had planned.  Yesterday, I had meal dates with two grovers that I know Papa brought into my life for a reason this year, yet I haven't been reaching out in those relationships as much as I should.  Today, I had two brief conversations with my family.  I realized that I hadn't talked to Bear since he left at the end of August.  I hadn't really talked to Courtney in a few weeks.  I know that I need to do a better job of being intentional.  Yet, today also showed me that family is always family.  Even if we don't talk for a month, we still love each other and know that we're still connected through prayer and the Holy Spirit.  Family is important and I need to make it more of a priority.

So, I have two challenges for you today.  Go rest in Jesus.  just stop what you're doing and go.  Schoolwork is important, but He is even more so.  He's just waiting for you to be with Him.

Then, go and be intentional with someone.  Even if it's just a 30 minute conversation on the phone.  Make time for people.  Make time for a conversation that goes past the shallow.  Share life with people that you used to share life with.  And then share life with people who you haven't before but know that Holy Spirit Friend is telling you to.  I'm pretty sure we all have people like that...people He keeps nudging us towards, yet we ignore it.  Stop ignoring it...go make them your family. :)

Unable to put it into words.

I realized I haven't blogged in months.  This is not for lack of Jesus working in my life.  In fact, it's actually because of the amount He has been working on my heart.  I feel like I'm a different person than the girl who wrote these previous posts.  I still have a lot of the same convictions, the same passions.  It's just all grown.  My love story with Jesus grew more than I even knew if ever could.  This summer, I learned so much about so many different things that I don't even know what to say when people ask.  My life changed.  My view on life changed.  My views on church, the Church, the Holy Spirit, people in general, brokenness, spiritual family, community, baptism, communion, worship, evangelism, ministry, my future, my present.  all of it.  It's all changed a little bit...or a lot.  But, I figured it's time to start sharing what Jesus did in my heart.

And now I have no idea what to say.  I guess I'll try again another day.  Instead, I'll leave you with the song that is currently playing on my computer.  It's beautiful.  Really, all music by the one and only Jasmine Tate is beautiful.  I lived with her in Grove City most of the summer. And let me tell you, it was awesome.  She is an incredible woman of God and I am honored to call her a very dear sister.

my love offering

One of the things I am learning about this summer and challenging myself in is creativity for God.  He loves creativity.  In the form of words, music, photography, paintings, dance, however you choose to express Your love for Him.  I often shy away from creativity because I am too self-conscious and too much of a perfectionist.  Yet, in reality, it doesn't matter if what I create for Him is beautiful to others.  It is to show my love and worship to my God.  But, at the same time, I need to be willing to share with others.  Share what I create for Him because it just might help others see and experience His immense love.  That is something else I am learning, being vulnerable in front of others so that He can be given glory.  So, here is a poem that I just wrote for my Daddy (note: I have never written a poem that wasn't a class assignment, so it doesn't follow any sort of poetic form or anything like that.) and a picture of a little bit of cheer that I put in our kitchen as an act of worship.  Yes, it is for us to enjoy, but mostly, for my Father to take delight in.  It is also to serve as a reminder of His love for us and our love for Him.


My love offering


The blades of grass
blowing gently in the breeze,
the many birds overhead
singing melodies
and harmonies.
tweeting.  cawing.
bringing Your love to me.
This is Your gift
of love for us.
You say, "Enjoy."
You say, "Delight."
The beauty around,
so great and pure.
This is for me.

I give it back.
I make a bouquet
of leaves.
My love offering
to You.
Place them in a
jar filled with water.
My love offering
to You.

But it doesn't compare
to what You have given me.

Mine -- three jars of leaves.
Yours -- flowers, grass, trees,
Eternity.

Your gift is greater,
but here is mine.
My love for You.
I say, "Enjoy."
I say, "Delight."
My love offering
to You.

contemplating theology on church.

Note: this was written in about 15 minutes and wasn't well thought out.  I don't have time to reread and edit now.  So, enjoy the complete flow of thoughts from me.

I have been back in the beautiful Grove City, PA since Saturday evening.  I really do love this town.  It would be easier to list all the complaints and problems with a town as small as Grove City, but in reality, I love it.  I love it's quirks and randomness.  I love how little it is.  I love being back here.  For now, this is my home.  This is where I am most me.

But, this week, it is also where I am confused and growing.  I am spending my time living in a duplex with other college students from the greater PA/OH area (and Arizona.  random?  no.  God.) and just learning more about community through Antioch Overflow Experiment.

The thing is, part of AOX is simple church.  Wikipedia basically says the simple church movement claims to be "a Christ-centered community established primarily on relationship both to God and to the other members of the group."

Growing up as a pastor's kid in a traditional church setting, this has given me quite a bit to think about.  First of all, the traditional kind of American church on Sunday mornings is seen as possibly beneficial, but not necessary and not what is the layout of the church in the Bible. Instead, it's about church as a community.  Think Acts 2 when it talks about all the church does in their homes.  This is pretty much what simple church does.  We worship together (awesome, true, free worship), eat together, pray together, play together...

I love this.  I love simple church and 100% believe that this is the kind of community and church that God wants all Christians to be a part of.  But, I still think back on my roots.  A part of me says "yes, the kind of church we have on Sundays is beneficial, but not necessary."  I want to believe that.  But, a part of me holds back.  A part wants to cry out "NO!  I love the traditional American church!  It has to be the right way of doing things!  You have to go to church every Sunday!"

But, then I wonder.  Is that what Christ would have cried out?  I don't know.  I contemplate that.  I guess my greatest struggle right now is that the more I read and study, the more my heart is torn.  The more I study the Bible about this and pray about it, the more I long for a simple church, a church truly modeled after Acts 2.  Yet, the more I love the people in the traditional American church and their hearts in it.  My heart is torn and I don't know what direction to go.  I don't know what to believe theologically about it all.

I've reached a place where I can't turn back.  I can't just go back to the traditional American church and act like I haven't been a part of something different, something I believe is more Scriptural and more driven by the Holy Spirit and less driven by and order of service and religiosity.  Yet, I can't just run ahead and leave behind my church in New Wilmington or my dad's church in Massachusetts.  

Right now, I'm going to try to continue to be a part of a simple church, but I'm not giving up on the traditional American church.  I do believe that there is immense value there.  I do believe that the Holy Spirit is there.  God is in the duplex and God is in my traditional church.  I am going to continue studying and praying about this.  I will let you know where it leads me.

If you guys have any thoughts on this, please tell me.  I want to know them.

worthy of the gospel of Christ

post number two of the day. oh yes.  I realized that I told people I would frequently be updating this throughout the summer and realized I haven't been.  oops.  So, today you get all of my morning coffee and Jesus thoughts. :)

Today I started going through Philippians in my quiet time.  I kept getting stuck on Philippians 1:21-26.  That's where Paul talks about how to live is Christ and to die is gain.  verses 25 and 26 really hit me.  HARD.

Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your joy in Christ Jesus will overflow on account of me.


I want that.  I want others to overflow with joy because they are with me.  I want to cause the people I am around to fall more deeply in love with Jesus.  I want the way I live my life make others want more and more of Christ.

The thing is, I'm not quite sure how to do that.  I need Him to teach me.  As I was journaling about this, I cried out to God with a simple "Lord, teach me!  Show me how to do this!"

and BAM. the very next verse tells me.

Whatever happens, conduct yourselves in a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.


Yes, that's pretty abstract.  But Paul goes on to outline it a bit more throughout Philippians.  And in reality, I know whether or not the life I am living is truly worthy of the gospel of Christ.  When I am really paying attention to how I conduct myself, I know whether or not it is in a manner worthy of Him.  More frequently than I would like to admit, it is not.

My prayer today is that God will teach me, and you, how to walk in a manner worthy of our calling, a manner worthy of the gospel of Christ.  Then, we will draw others to Him.  Because we possess a joy in Jesus that is so great it overflows, it will spread.  The love of God and His fire will spread and it will not stop.  Join me in praying for that.

Your right hand will hold me fast.

Ann Voskamp (author of One Thousand Gifts...which I really need to read) blogged today about Psalm 139:9-10.  

If I rise on the wings of dawn,

if I settle on the far side of the sea,

even there Your hand will guide me,

Your right hand will hold me fast.

How incredibly beautiful is that?  What a fantastic reminder of God's great and awesome love for us.  A reminder that no matter where I go, no matter how far from home I roam, God is there.  He is here.  He is guiding me.  His mighty right hand is holding me.

He is holding me.  The Lord of the universe is holding me.  Wow.  What a thought.  What a TRUTH.  As I go about my day, He is holding me.

And He longs to hold you.

Multiplying One

I just started a new blog to raise money for eXile International.  Please check it out and pray about giving.

Multiplying One Blog

time to trust.

it's been a while.  oops.  life has been rather busy and just...crazy.  hence, no blog posts.  oh well.

biggest thing I've been learning lately -- TRUST.  oi vey.  it is hard hard hard. I was having tea with my mom earlier today and just chatting about having no idea what I'm doing with my life, etc.  I mentioned that at times like these I wonder if this life wouldn't be a whole lot easier if I wasn't a Christian.  I mean, I could do whatever I wanted.  Just pick a goal.  pick a job.  pick a summer ministry.  pick a major.  and go with it.  no prayer.  no wondering if it's God's plan.  no waiting to hear from God.  no seeking after Him.  no worrying about logistics and plans and what ifs.

but then I remember, life might be easier in the short-term.  yeah, it might be easier to just choose something based on my own emotions and feelings and run with it.  but, in reality, do I want that?  do I want what is easy in the here and now? no.  no, I don't.  I want what God wants.  I want to be wholly dependent on Him.  it's scary.  it means giving up complete control. yikes.  that's tough stuff right there.  in my own humanness, it's a whole lot easier to hold on to the reigns and decide what my life is going to look like.

except His way is so much more beautiful.  truly truly.  depending on Him in every moment and being okay with not knowing what is coming up next year, next month, next week, or even tomorrow.  it is without a doubt frightening at times, but oh!  it is so beautiful.

take Easter break as an example.  Saturday morning, an hour after I had to be out of my apartment, I was hanging out in the student union with all of my stuff...and no idea where I was sleeping that night.  I knew I was staying in Grove City for a couple days for prayer/worship/service/something?  that was about it.  I was definitely tempted to freak out and worry about plans...and I won't lie and say that there weren't times that I did.  because there definitely were.  but, you know what?  I didn't need to.  He knew.  God knew exactly what was going to happen.  and let me tell you, the moments with Him, with His children those few days of break?  so beautiful.  


so, now I trust Him.  I trust that He's got it all figured out.  I trust that He knows all of the logistics for this summer.  I trust that He knows what job He wants me to have after I graduate...and that He can get me that job as a sociology major instead of an education major.  I trust that He will provide because He truly is my Jehovah-Jireh.  My Lord who provides.  I trust that freaking out and worrying will not do me any good.  I trust that He is God and that He is good {to me}.  He's got it all under control and it's time to let it go.  He knows and that needs to be enough.

It's time to trust.

"Cease striving and know that I am God." Psalm 46:10

humbled.

Ouch.

Asking God to humble you is a stupid thing to do.  It sucks.  I know that it will get better and that in the end, it will be so amazing, but right now it sucks.

What a reminder that our plans fail.  ALWAYS.
Thankfully, His don't.  EVER.  Daddy God, thanks for loving me and picking up the pieces.  Thanks for taking my yucky plans making them perfect.  But, I'll be honest.  If you could make this whole "humbling" process a bit less...well, humbling, that'd be nice.  If only I could just be humble without going through this.  That'd be great.  But then I wouldn't really be humble would I?

Hmmm.  I guess He really does know what's best.  Even when I hate the process and think it sucks.  Hopefully an update about how great the humbling process is later on will come...but, maybe that won't be discovered until Heaven.  who knows.

Proverbs 19:21

action and prayer

Last night, I spent the evening in the top floor of a bar.  Why?

The Resolve Tour

Don't listen when people tell you that your one voice can't make a difference.  Who are we to tell God that He can't work through us?  Because guess what.  He has and He will.  He wants to.  But if we just sit on our butts and do nothing, then nothing will happen.  But, if we act, then things can change.  When we write letters, go to lobby meetings, PRAY, or whatever it is that you do, it can make a difference.  It has in the past and it will continue.  

Last night reminded me of that.  More importantly, it reminded me that we can't do this on our own.  People like to think that there's all this good in humanity and we can bring about peace and justice all on our own.  We can't.  But God can.  I do these things because He has broken my heart.  I do these things because I want people to have the chance to experience His love.  

We have to do this for Him.  It's not for us.  It's not because of us.  It's for Him and because of Him.

So, go do something and go pray.  Prayer is awesome.  Last night, I was given the opportunity to pray over Brian (the Resolve guy on the tour who has been in contact with Project Okello all year).  Well, maybe given the opportunity isn't the right way to phrase that.  Before we left, I told him that I felt like the Holy Spirit wanted me to pray over him.  A little crazy.  But, so awesome.  Spirit-filled prayer in the middle of a hippie (legit hippie...) coffee shop in the south hills?  YES PLEASE.  I definitely think that prayer is just the most incredible thing in the world.  I don't really know if it had an impact.  But, I know it's what God wanted me to do, so I trust that it did or will make a difference somehow.

Back to doing something.  If the LRA stuff isn't something you have a burden for, that's fine.  I mean, obviously I think you should care about it because I think it's really important.  But, God uses different people for different things.  Whatever He breaks your heart for, go after it.  Go be an advocate.

And check out this sweet shirt that I got last night. :)

Oh.  and big shout-out to Alena who drove us there in the monsoon.  You're pretty great and I'm glad that we got to spend eight hours together yesterday.

excitement...and fear.

two posts in one day?  say whaaaat?  yeah.  I have four million thoughts going through my head right now and feel like writing them down.  and I'm not really feeling the whole pen and paper thing right now.  Just a warning...this will probably be rather long.

So, thought number one.  As of this week, I am officially spending my summer in Ohio (and other random places in the states) with Off The Wall Ministry.  So many emotions about this right now.  I'm ridiculously excited.  I know that this will be a summer of intense spiritual growth and I cannot wait for that.  I can't wait to fall even more in love with my Jesus and develop an even greater understanding of who my God is and what He wants from me.  Plus, from the couple times I've talked to them, I definitely think I'm going to be working with some really awesome men and women of God and will form some great friendships.  Even if we end up having nothing else in common, we're all passionately in love with Jesus and desiring more and more of Him in our lives.  and that's what is most important.  I can't wait to really get to know everyone else at OTW and serve alongside them and just live life with them all summer.

But honestly, as excited as I am, there's still a little part of me that's holding back.  There have been a couple times that I've wanted to just call the director and say nevermind,  I can't do this...I'm going to go back to the camp I worked at last summer.  It's so hard to give up my plan.  It's so hard to give up my desires and my passion.  desires and passions that I know God has given me, places and people that He has called me to before and probably will again at some point in the future.  

See, it's really easy to just get comfortable where I am and with what I know.  I now know how to serve God effectively at a summer camp for underprivileged kids from inner-city Pittsburgh.  I know how to do the counselor thing.  and I LOVE it.  Oddly enough, I love all of it.  

I love having to wake up really early in order to have a few minutes of just me and Jesus while I'm surrounded by ten sleeping little girls.  I love waking those little girls up and making sure everyone has showered, brushed their teeth, changed their clothes, made their bed, and peed before we leave for morning exercises.  I love reading them the bible story for the day out on the porch and memorizing bible verses with crazy hand motions.  I love making sure everyone has eaten their vegetables and had at least two glasses of water before they sneakily fill their cup with juice.  I love letting them play with my hair and watching them get frustrated when they don't understand why twisties won't stay in my white girl hair.  I love teaching them how to do things they've never done -- climbing a rock wall, canoeing, or catching crayfish in the creek.  I love comforting them when they're homesick.  I love singing crazy camp songs and beautiful worship songs as we sit around the campfire together.  I love when I suddenly feel a little girl's hand in mine as we're walking up the gravel path.  I love having candle talk late at night and then receiving hugs and goodnight kisses on the cheek from ten little girls I've only known for days.  I love praying with them and hugging them tight when they have nightmares.  I love praying with them when they come up to me crying, saying that they want to know Jesus like I do.  I love hearing ten different girls say "I love you, Ms. Katy" every night, every morning, and throughout the day.

So, that was a long paragraph.  and it could be longer.  I don't blame you if you didn't read it all.  That was really more for me than anything else.  I love those girls.  I hate having to write one of campers to tell her that I can't be her fourth grade counselor because I won't be there this summer.  I have shed so many tears over this.  This is why there are times that I want to call Don and say "Forget it.  I changed my mind.  I'm not coming."  

But, there's one little problem.  As much as I want to be back with my little girls this summer, as much as I long to love on them and share even more of Jesus with them, I can't.  I know for a fact that it's not where God wants me this summer.  If I went back to camp, I would be running.  I would be going back to where I'm comfortable and know that I can succeed.  Yes, I'm sure God could use me at camp this summer.  But, I know that it isn't where He wants me.  Realizing that and then having to act on it by sending in my application to OTW was really hard.  Now that it's actually real and there's no way I'm going back to camp, it's even harder.  I have to give up my dreams and my plans for His.  As Christians, God doesn't ask us to just pray for Jesus to come into our hearts one night or complete a checklist of religious activities.  No, He asks us to surrender our will for His.  So, here goes nothing.

This summer, I'm surrendering it all.  and let me tell you, there are times when it sucks.  There are times that I sit on my bed and cry and fight it.  But, there are also times when I am literally jumping around for joy because of what He is going to do this summer, both in and through me.  I know that it will be so much better than I can even imagine....because it's what He wants.  and I can't wait to find out what it is.

Send me, I'll go!

Lecrae Pandora station.  Not much beats that on a Saturday morning.  Dancing around my apartment like a crazy fool and worshiping Jesus to rap music?  yes, please.  Today, I'm really loving this song.  Check it, yo. :)

(yes, I know that I am ridiculously white.  oh well.  I can pretend.  also, I would just like to say that I love that rap lyrics are rather long.  hello lots of a fantastic words with meaning.  rap = this generation's hymns?!  haha) 




Send Me by Lecrae
youtube video

Send me I’ll go,
Send me I’ll go,
Send me I’ll go,
lemme go lemme go!
(repeat x4)

I seen it with my own two,
there’s no way i can show you
a perfectly poverty stricken people with no view.
And i bet you can’t believe this,
they never heard of jesus.
Heard of young buck, lil wayne, and young jeezy.

No one’s signing up to go on missions this summer.
Rather sit at home and watch Xzibit pimping a hummer

while a nine year old is shot down.
No one’s screaming ‘stop now!’
no bridge illustrations for criminals who on lock down.

People deep in africa
looking for an answer bra’.
In china man,
they’re dying man,
until they know who died for sins.
So look what grace did.
Not for us to stay hid

inside our comfort zones
at home in mama’s basement.

Get out on the grind y’all.
Ain’t no better time dawg.
I know y’all read the great commission.
Let me just remind y’all:
make disciples of the nations.
Teach em to obey the Lord.
Hate to never lead someone to Christ before I face the Lord.

Send me I’ll go,
Send me I’ll go,
Send me I’ll go,
lemme go lemme go!
(repeat x4)

Hey! After, 1,000 years in the west and the church is
get’n bigger daily without understanding worship. (say what?)

Some regenerated but a lot ain’t saved.
You walk outside and be surprised cuz the block ain’t changed.
And the numbers, they be getting em.

Something just ain’t hit’n them.
America ain’t christian they just practicing a ritual.

That’s why we should be missional.
Hey, what you think i’m spit’n for?
The united states is dying
and in the east it’s looking pitiful.

Some places if they catch you
they’ll arrest you.
They’ll serve you,
but they still need the word too.
The gospel should be heard too.
We claim we ain’t ashamed,
but we ain’t hit the block up.
Were in our christian bubble,
while our brotha’s get’n locked up.
Lord i wanna stock up,
pack a bag and walk up
in a country where sharing my faith may get me shot up
anywhere i go, whether my city or far abroad,
i just wanna show them Jesus Christ the risen holy God.

Send me I’ll go,
send me I’ll go,
send me I’ll go,
lemme go lemme go!
(repeat x4)

I know they’re dying in the streets over in the middle east.
Some kids seeking peace
others hold’n up a piece.
If the violence doesn’t cease,
then at least the deceased
might know Jesus as their savior as their bodies hit the streets.
And i know this is a graphic view.
And i pray that it’s attack’n you.
Attracting you to act and do
what you see in the back of Luke

Mathew twenty-four and fourteen.
We should read it twice
before we think that life is just about us
being free in Christ!
Look dawg! Life is more than church, work, and football!
What if you were dead in sin and christians overlooked y’all!
This is why we leave the couch
and leave the comforts of our house
to show a dying world a God they’ll probably never read about.

The great commission says make disciples of all nations.
Have we even made them in our own nation?
Come on Christians!
Missions exist because worship doesn’t.
People don’t worship the God who made them.
We’re ambassadors.

Let’s go!

Send me I’ll go,
send me I’ll go,
send me I’ll go,
lemme go lemme go!

May God bless with you a restless discomfort...

Yet again, I was reading for my Spec Mind paper.  At the end of one of the books I'm using (The Hole in Our Gospel by Richard Stearns) is a Franciscan benediction.  And I love it.  I'm not a huge liturgy person at all, but there are times that I definitely appreciate it and God really uses it to speak to me.  This is my prayer for all of you and for me.

May God bless you with a restless discomfort
about easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.


May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression,
and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for
justice, freedom, and peace among all people.


May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer
from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you
may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.


May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that
you really can make a difference in this world, so that you are able,
with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.


And the blessings of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator,
Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word Who is our Brother and Savior,
and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide, be with you
and remain with you, this day and forevermore.  Amen.


I do believe this will be printed out and put on my wall forever.  Also, go listen to Set the World on Fire by Britt Nicole.  That will always be one of my favorite songs.

But don't just read and listen.  Follow it up with action.  GO.  whether it's across the world, across the street, or simply across the hall.  If we're all sitting in our rooms doing nothing but shedding tears and getting anger and having our hearts stirred, what good does that do?  BE MOVED.  literally, not figuratively.

coffee, peanut butter, and Jesus.

Today, I spent a lot of time rereading notes for an upcoming spec mind (read "worldviews") exam and reading biographies about Lincoln Steffens for a history paper.  Who is Lincoln Steffens, you ask?  Apparently, not very many people have any idea who he is.  Well, little blogging world, he was a muckraker.  A journalist that...raked muck.  If you ever feel so inclined to learn more about him, read his autobiography.  It is far more interesting and entertaining than anything anyone else had to say about his life.

In between readings, probably quite a few more in betweens than necessary, I not only read weird, random articles on yahoo.com (facebook banning does strange things to a person), but also drank lots of coffee, made healthy pb muffins and homemade pb, and spent some very much-needed time with my Jesus.

Just so you know, Ugandan Gold Cinnamon Sticky Bun coffee = FANTASTIC iced coffee.  seriously.  add a little bit of raw sugar, some skim milk, and ice cubes and es muy delicioso!  Also, I am very thankful for a healthy homemaker sister-in-law who constantly supplies me with yummy, yet good for you, recipes.  I should find the time to try more of them.

Anyway, as wonderful as really good coffee and a warm pb muffin are, Jesus is so much better.  Believe me, I know.  This week has kind of sucked spiritually.  I'd like to say that I don't know why, but that would be a lie.  I wasn't very intentional in my relationship with Christ and it showed.  I felt so far away from God...our usual intimate relationship was distant and forced.  Last night, I was wondering why on earth I felt a little depressed and anti-social and stressed out all week.  I just wanted to forget the world.  And then God hit me over the head with the fact that I was ignoring Him.  I pushed Him away and chose to follow my own way instead.  For some idiotic reason, I thought my way was better and that it would be easier and more satisfying.

Boy, was I wrong.  I have a tendency to be really close to God when my earthly life sucks.  But when things are going pretty well, I push Him out of the picture and subconsciously tell him I've got it on my own.  I imagine He sits back and says "We'll see about that."  Even if I can handle life on my own when things are going well, why on earth do I ever want to?!?!  Good things are...well, less good.  Life appears to suck and have no meaning.  Little things upset me and I have no motivation for anything.  It all seems rather pointless.

So, today I realized that I can't keep doing this on my own.  Even when things are going well, I don't want to do this without Him.  He makes everything so much better.  Brings so much joy and meaning to life.  Plus, He wants nothing more than to be a part of every aspect of my life, every little action and every passing thought.  He desires ME.  He wants ME.  And I push Him away.  How much that must hurt our Daddy!  He loves us wholly and completely, yet we push him away constantly.  I hate knowing that I resist and reject His love.  I turn from Him and act like I know so much more than He does.  I want control of my life, so I reject His deep love for me.

I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve Him.  I don't deserve a God that will never give up on me, that will forever keep drawing me to Him and always pursue me and seek me out.  I don't deserve it at all.  Yet, He still does it.  My God still comes after me and still loves me more than I could ever comprehend.  What an amazing, incredible thought.  There is a perfect, powerful God who loves me more than anything else and who wants an intimate relationship with me.  little unworthy me.  and you.  but you know what the greatest part is?  In His mind, we are deserving.  How crazy is that?!  In His mind, I am deserving of His love and of forever communion with Him.  When God looks at me, He doesn't see the scarred, broken, and blemished person that I am.  No, He sees the blood of Christ covering over all of that.  He sees a beautiful daughter and a deserving bride that He longs to spend forever and always with.  What a joyous thought!  If that doesn't excite you and make you want to jump up and down and shout from the mountaintops I don't know what will!

So, tomorrow morning before the sun and the rest of your house are up, grab a cup of delicious coffee and your Bible.  maybe a journal.  And just be with God.  Rest in the knowledge of who the Lord is and who You are in Him.  Be reminded of how much He loves and desires you.  And love Him back.  He wants your love.  all of it.


Note:  Something I thought of last night as I went to bed...warning: if you're like me and lost your intimacy with Christ for a few days, a week, months, or years, coming back is going to be HARD.  making yourself be broken and vulnerable before God is not exactly a fun thing.  it's messy.  but, in the end, it is, without a doubt, worth every single tear and every difficult moment of giving up control.

feed My sheep

Tonight, Invisible Children came.  Big "WOOHOOOOO!" to that.  I really needed that reminder that what I'm fighting for and praying for is so incredibly real.  and still such a problem.  But, that's not what I want to talk about....it's just a tiny little bit.

Today, O-Cham (one of my great nicknames for Oswald Chambers, author of My Utmost for His Highest) talked about how Jesus calls us to "Feed My sheep." (John 21:17)  This really was something I needed to be reminded of right now.  In a very uncharacteristically Katy-way, I'm going to actually share with you guys part of what I wrote in my prayer journal today.  Normally, that is something that is really personal and completely between just me and God.  But, it will really show you my heart and what's on my mind right now.  So, here goes nothing.

"I just read what O-Cham had to say for today.  "Feed My sheep."  Not "Talk about how much you love Me."  Not "Talk about the great things you've been learning."  No.  "Feed My sheep."  Lord, give me a heart that longs to feed Your sheep!  Break my heart.  Break it so much that I act.  I don't want to just talk and feel.  I want ACTION.  I want to feed Your sheep.  Help me not only love, but also act on that love and feed them.  Show me how.  Reveal Your plan to me.  Show me what You want me to do.  In the BIG.  In the seemingly small.  Lead me.  And help me draw them closer to You."

This is my heart's cry right now.  I want to feed His sheep.  Not for my glory.  Not so that I can tell all of you and everyone else what a great person I am because I've done all of these wonderful things.  No.  I want to feed His sheep so that He will be glorified.  Now, if only I can learn to trust God so much that I actually do this.  If only I can learn to follow God completely so that this can stop being the cry of my heart and become my everyday life...

blogging = FREE STUFF

Today, I learned a new wonderful thing about blogging.  Beautiful things for FREE! :)

Danielle, who blogs over at take heart, had a giveaway.  and I won a beautiful little print from the etsy shop in His grace.  WOOHOOOOO! :)  Special thanks to the most amazing sister-in-law EVER for sharing something from Danielle's blog a few weeks ago!  Megan, I love you mucho.  and I still would even if I didn't win lovely little things because of you. :)

So, yes.  Today is a cause for celebration.  blogging = great for very poor college students!

Side note: I'M GOING TO NEW YORK CITY TOMORROW!  and I'm just a little bit excited about that.  I'm also going to see my first ever broadway show.  yippeeee!

Second side note: the dreads are gone.  that's right, my three beautiful little dreads are no more. :(  I miss them already.  Here is a picture of me at midnight last night.  right before I said adios amigos.  (the deer in the headlights look is really sweet, I know.  I blame it on my distress.)

confession time

This is a random random post.  I am often a very random person.

Confession:  I am a ridiculously emotional person. I was reminded of this ten minutes ago.

Exhibit A:  My roommate is watching some criminal show on tv as I am on my computer, looking at fun diy crafts and pretending that I'm actually going to do them (yeah right).  I'm barely paying any attention to the tv show.  I know the basic premise, but am so not involved in the show.  Until the end.

Enter little boy.  His daddy is the criminal...aka serial killer.  His daddy didn't know he had a son (named after him, no less).  Criminal man puts down the little flame thingy that he was about to use to kill his son's grandparents and gets down on eye level with his son.  Little boy puts his hand up to his daddy's extremely scarred face.  Then daddy is put in the cop car and little boy presses his hands to the window.

...and now Katy has an abundance of tears streaming down her face.

Seriously.  Why am I such a crybaby? Ask any of my friends or family, I cry ALL THE TIME.  If I'm really happy, I'm one of those annoying girls that gets all gushy and cries.  If I'm sad...I cry.  If I'm really angry, out come the tears.  And if children are ever involved in just about anything? yeah, grab the entire box of tissues.

I just remembered that a couple days ago I cried in the kitchen as my other roommate was watching some cop show and there were kids that had to go to a state home.

I guess I cry because I love.  does that even make any sense?  I love people.  a lot.  so they make me emotional.  makes sense to me.

Moral of this blog post:  I am incredibly emotional.  and apparently my roommates really like crime/cop shows.  weird.

Random Things I love

Today has been a really relaxing, wonderful day.  Here is a list of random things that I love, am thankful for, and enjoyed today. :)

1. glitter glue
2. foam cut-outs
3. encouraging notes...both giving and receiving! :)
4. raspberry black tea with demerara sugar and milk
5. Anne of Green Gables -- the movie
6. clean laundry
7. making fun new things out of old t-shirts.  today = scarf and bracelet
8. my wonderful roommate, Elizabeth, who makes us all yummy bread and sews on my buttons
9. My Utmost for His Highest
10. Jesus time
11. sweatpants
12. healthy Chinese food made by Laura
13. sleeping in late
14. the warm and cozy afghan my Mommy made me
15. pillows
16. Hosea 2
17. comfy slippers
18. a peaceful apartment
19. dancing around to Israel Houghton blasting out of my computer
20. a clean room
21. ibuprofen
22. being able to control our own thermostat...aka HEAT.

Okay, that's enough for now.  I think I need to do this more often.  Weekly thankful lists. :)

What would you do?

If you were free to do anything you liked – and all resources were available – what would you wish to do most?

That is a question on an application for a summer discipleship program I'm considering.  I haven't started the application yet, but I have thought quite a bit about that question.

To find the answer, go to this blog.  As I just read that post, I realized that is what I would wish to do most.  Can you imagine having an entire village call you Mommy (or Daddy)?  Wow.  A couple of my campers this summer often tried to call me Mommy even though I would tell them they needed to call me Ms. Katy.  One made me a little card that says "Miss Mom" and "Miss Mommy"  all over it.  Another clung to me and said, "Ms. Katy, wouldn't it be nice if we could be together forever?  I could go to college with you and you can adopt me and be my Mommy forever.  Can you do that?  You could be my Mommy forever."  Yes, Jada, I would absolutely LOVE to do that.  I would love to be your Mommy forever and ever.  I would love to show you the way a Mommy should love her daughter.  I wish that I could go down to Pittsburgh right now and bring you back to my apartment and I'd be your mommy forever.  Sadly, I can't.  Jada has a family.  Not a good one, but legally, she has one.  And I don't have the money to adopt her.  But if I were free to do anything I liked and had all of the resources necessary, nothing could stop me from skipping my next class and driving down to Pittsburgh right now and getting that beautiful little girl.  What would you do?  Seriously, what would you do?  I want to know. :)

Here's a picture of my Jadaboo and me right after she asked me to be her Mommy.  Thankfully, I was wearing sunglasses, so she couldn't see the tears...

Heaven and Earth

Earlier this week, I finally bought Phil Wickham's last CD, Heaven and Earth, on Amazon.  Speaking of which, the download was supposed to be $7.99...but for some reason they only charged me $2.99! :)  Maybe it's because I had serious issues downloading it and had to call their help desk and talk to them for forty minutes.  haha

Anyway, I've been listening to it basically nonstop since and absolutely love it.  Why?  Because it's all about Heaven!!!! :)  What could be better?  Well, actually being in heaven, of course.  Personally, I CANNOT WAIT for that day!  Often times, I talk to people who mention how they want to go to Heaven, but not yet.  They want to live here on earth for a few more years so that they can get married and have kids.  They want an earthly family and a good job.  After eighty years of the American dream, then heaven would be a nice place to go because there's no pain or suffering and everything is perfect.

But, as Christians, should that really be our view?  Shouldn't we be yearning for Heaven, incredibly excited for that day when our relationship with Christ is complete and we will enter in as His bride?  I certainly think so.  Heaven isn't supposed to be a nice place for an eternity of retirement.  It isn't supposed to be where we go after we've lived for ourselves here on Earth.  Think about how God must feel when that is what His children desire.  I can't even begin to imagine how much that must hurt Him to know that His kids, the ones that He loves more than anything else, simply want to go to Heaven because it's a nice place and they don't want to go to Hell...but they don't want to go too soon.  Ouch.

Recently, I feel like I've really begun to understand what Paul meant in Philippians 1:21-26.

For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain. If I am to go on living in the body, this will mean fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose? I do not know! I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body. Convinced of this, I know that I will remain, and I will continue with all of you for your progress and joy in the faith, so that through my being with you again your boasting in Christ Jesus will abound on account of me.

I am truly torn.  I long to be with my Savior forever, uninterrupted by the worries and responsibilities of this life.  I desire that more than anything else.  Yet, I know He doesn't want me there yet.  He wants me here.  My relationship with Him has SO much room for growth here and there are so many people that don't know of the Incredible Love that I have.  So many children that have never felt the love of a human, much less the unconditional, amazing love of God.  So many hurting and broken college students that need Him more than anything.  So many women that have built up walls to keep out the pain and He is longing to tear them down.

This quote by Jackie Pullinger is so true.

I lack nothing. I have everything -- everything I want in Christ. But that's not true for the world. There are millions and millions and millions of people who lack. They don't know those words about the Lord who feeds hungry people. Nobody ever told them that oppressed people could be freed. They live believing that corruption is the norm. They pay people back with what they've been paid -- whether it's bad words or injustice or blows or beatings. That's what most of them know. For these people I have no excuse, for these you have no excuse. If you will not reach them with the love of God, if you will not tell them that there is a God who loves them -- loves them enough to die to make them whole -- who will? That's why He's allowed us to remain here. So that we can take His ministry to them. It's a job that the angels longed to do. But he left it to you and me. Not just the responsibility -- but the joy, the privilege of sharing good news. 

It is truly a joy and a privilege to share the love of Christ with those who don't know it.  Or those who have heard, but haven't been changed by it.

Yet, at the same time, I know that my greatest joy will continue to be Christ and the hope of one day being with Him in Heaven.  I wish it was today.  I long for it, desire it more than anything this world could possibly offer me.  Do you?

Phil Wickham's "Heaven Song" is truly my heart's song today.


You wrote a letter and You signed your name
I read every word of it page by page
You said that You'd be coming, coming for me soon
Oh my God I'll be ready for You

I want to run on greener pastures
I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters
In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless
For the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song

I hear Your voice and I catch my breath
'Well done my child, enter in and rest'
Tears of joy roll down my cheek
It's beautiful beyond my wildest dreams

I want to run on greener pastures
I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters
In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless
For the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels and sing...

I want to run on greener pastures
I want to dance on higher hills
I want to drink from sweeter waters
In the misty morning chill
And my soul is getting restless
For the place where I belong
I can't wait to join the angels and sing
No, I can't wait to join the angels and sing my heaven song

Thanks, Jesus.

Relationships with other strong Christians who encourage you in your faith are such a blessing from God.  Seriously.  This year, God has brought some wonderful people into my life and deepened so many of my already existing friendships.  I've really begun to understand what God-centered friendships are and let me just say that they are AWESOME.  If you don't have relationships like that in your life, pray for them.  Ask God to give you relationships that center around Him and His work in your lives.  I'm sure that He is longing to give you that.  And when you're open to making it happen and really being honest with people about your struggles and what Christ is doing in your life...it's just great. :)

Thanks, Jesus.  You're the best!