So, thought number one. As of this week, I am officially spending my summer in Ohio (and other random places in the states) with Off The Wall Ministry. So many emotions about this right now. I'm ridiculously excited. I know that this will be a summer of intense spiritual growth and I cannot wait for that. I can't wait to fall even more in love with my Jesus and develop an even greater understanding of who my God is and what He wants from me. Plus, from the couple times I've talked to them, I definitely think I'm going to be working with some really awesome men and women of God and will form some great friendships. Even if we end up having nothing else in common, we're all passionately in love with Jesus and desiring more and more of Him in our lives. and that's what is most important. I can't wait to really get to know everyone else at OTW and serve alongside them and just live life with them all summer.
But honestly, as excited as I am, there's still a little part of me that's holding back. There have been a couple times that I've wanted to just call the director and say nevermind, I can't do this...I'm going to go back to the camp I worked at last summer. It's so hard to give up my plan. It's so hard to give up my desires and my passion. desires and passions that I know God has given me, places and people that He has called me to before and probably will again at some point in the future.
See, it's really easy to just get comfortable where I am and with what I know. I now know how to serve God effectively at a summer camp for underprivileged kids from inner-city Pittsburgh. I know how to do the counselor thing. and I LOVE it. Oddly enough, I love all of it.
I love having to wake up really early in order to have a few minutes of just me and Jesus while I'm surrounded by ten sleeping little girls. I love waking those little girls up and making sure everyone has showered, brushed their teeth, changed their clothes, made their bed, and peed before we leave for morning exercises. I love reading them the bible story for the day out on the porch and memorizing bible verses with crazy hand motions. I love making sure everyone has eaten their vegetables and had at least two glasses of water before they sneakily fill their cup with juice. I love letting them play with my hair and watching them get frustrated when they don't understand why twisties won't stay in my white girl hair. I love teaching them how to do things they've never done -- climbing a rock wall, canoeing, or catching crayfish in the creek. I love comforting them when they're homesick. I love singing crazy camp songs and beautiful worship songs as we sit around the campfire together. I love when I suddenly feel a little girl's hand in mine as we're walking up the gravel path. I love having candle talk late at night and then receiving hugs and goodnight kisses on the cheek from ten little girls I've only known for days. I love praying with them and hugging them tight when they have nightmares. I love praying with them when they come up to me crying, saying that they want to know Jesus like I do. I love hearing ten different girls say "I love you, Ms. Katy" every night, every morning, and throughout the day.
So, that was a long paragraph. and it could be longer. I don't blame you if you didn't read it all. That was really more for me than anything else. I love those girls. I hate having to write one of campers to tell her that I can't be her fourth grade counselor because I won't be there this summer. I have shed so many tears over this. This is why there are times that I want to call Don and say "Forget it. I changed my mind. I'm not coming."
But, there's one little problem. As much as I want to be back with my little girls this summer, as much as I long to love on them and share even more of Jesus with them, I can't. I know for a fact that it's not where God wants me this summer. If I went back to camp, I would be running. I would be going back to where I'm comfortable and know that I can succeed. Yes, I'm sure God could use me at camp this summer. But, I know that it isn't where He wants me. Realizing that and then having to act on it by sending in my application to OTW was really hard. Now that it's actually real and there's no way I'm going back to camp, it's even harder. I have to give up my dreams and my plans for His. As Christians, God doesn't ask us to just pray for Jesus to come into our hearts one night or complete a checklist of religious activities. No, He asks us to surrender our will for His. So, here goes nothing.
This summer, I'm surrendering it all. and let me tell you, there are times when it sucks. There are times that I sit on my bed and cry and fight it. But, there are also times when I am literally jumping around for joy because of what He is going to do this summer, both in and through me. I know that it will be so much better than I can even imagine....because it's what He wants. and I can't wait to find out what it is.
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