The last few days have been a struggle in contentment. My heart is longing for adventure. My soul is screaming "get me out of here!" Yet, there's no where to go, nothing to do...or, at least, so it feels.
In the last few weeks, friends have been all over Europe, Africa, the West Coast...anywhere but here. and I've been fighting those pangs of jealousy that so often creep in.
Do you know those days? When wanderlust seems to be surging through your bloodstream. When your very bones feel like they're about to burst with a need for life...a different life. a more exciting, more adventurous, more grand life full of new things.
I used to think wanderlust was such a fantastic word...it caused my eyes to get big, my heart to swell, and a smile to stretch across my face. Now, I have mixed feelings. Sometimes, it does that...and sometimes, I hate it. I want to throw bricks at it and curse it. Because I can let it ruin things. I can take a good sense of adventure and freedom that God placed in me and allow it to take over. That's what it's been doing lately...taking over.
My job, my church, my friends, my town, everything suddenly feels like a trap. What felt exhilarating and exciting months ago suddenly feels dreary. The things that usually bring me the most joy and freedom have felt like shackles on my feet.
And I know that they shouldn't, that they aren't. Deep down, I know that this is the season of life I've supposed to be living in. Just a couple weeks ago, I was so grateful for it, I was so full of joy and excitement and wonder at this new stage of life. I thought it was amazing. Adventure was still coursing through my veins. I felt like a free little bird exploring and everything and everyone I came across was worthy of awe. And then I stopped being thankful.
You see, I think that's where this all stemmed from. The deep gratitude that I was living in was cut off...I'm not sure how or when or why, I just know that it happened. I stopped choosing to find joy and fun in the seemingly mundane tasks of life. Looking for ways to be filled with thanks and amazement ceased. Instead, I've been allowing my heart to become restless and discontent. I've been allowing jealousy and comparison to come in. I've been allowing my heart to toy with the possibilities of what I could be doing instead. And it's stealing my joy.
Until now. When we realize what's wrong in our hearts, in our lives, we are no longer able to idly sit by in ignorance. No, now I have a choice. I can choose to stay in my discontentment. Or I can choose to put on my battle clothes and wage war on this beast. I'm waging war. I don't know how I'm going to do it yet, but I think this blog post is the beginning. And my new little adventure fund jar. Adventure is right here...but it's also out there. I want to embrace both aspects of it. :)
No matter where I am, I want to remember this:
Adventure is not dependent upon where I am, who I am with, or what I am doing; it's rooted in the posture of my heart.
