Today, I was a bit thrown off. I was looking at the google searches that have led people to my blog in the last month.
This one stuck out: "aox grove city, problems"
My initial response was "Oy." And then I laughed. And then I realized that whoever has issues with my church (and employer and closest friends!) now associates them with me. It's probably a college student. Very likely someone that I know...yikes.
Satan came creeping at the part of my mind labeled "reputation"...he tried to instill a fear of what others think.
Ironic that I noticed this today...the day I returned to Grove City College after being gone for a week in Illinois and Kansas. A week of sharing the love of Jesus openly and freely. A week of not holding back my charismatic beliefs and simply freely expressing my love for Papa God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. When we got back to campus last night, a friend and I prayer walked campus for a bit. I realized the chains that threatened to shackle me. The chains of caring what others think about me and my faith. I felt my freedom threatening to give way to fear. The thought of others seeing me lay hands on buildings and rooms and praying loudly for God to shake our campus...yikes. What will they think? How will I be perceived? Will anyone respect me anymore? Or will I just be that crazy charismatic girl? Will they think I'm judging them instead of loving them? Can they hear me praying in tongues? Will they judge the fact that I'm out at 1 AM praying with a guy? (That's not acceptable at my college...unless you're dating.)
From now on, I refuse to let those questions control the way I live my life. I'm tired of strapping on chains when I step foot on a Christian campus...chains that Jesus died to break.
This post is hard for me to write. Because there are little demons trying to make me delete it. Because once this is out there, I'm officially saying "Call me the crazy charismatic girl if you want...that doesn't define me. I know who I am in Jesus and that's what matters. And I love you...and want you to hold me to showing that." Because once this is out there, the whole campus has access to the fact that I wander around at night praying in tongues for them. Yup. I speak in tongues. A LOT. I pray for healing for people. I expect miracles, signs, and wonders to happen around me. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe Holy Spirit wants to shake our campus and set people free.
I refuse to hide any longer. I refuse to keep my mouth shut because I may be judged, because you may think that the way I follow Jesus isn't legitimate. I refuse to not express my love for Jesus wholeheartedly out of fear of what you may say about it.
I refuse to give way to fear. Because that's what it all is...fear that comes straight from the pit of hell. Fear that is a liar.
So, yes. I am a part of AOX. Yes, I believe in the Holy Spirit and all of the "charismatic" gifts that come with Him. But, no, that's not the basis of my life. I don't go around chasing miracles. I chase Jesus...or more accurately, He chases me. And it's been a beautiful, insane, scary, freeing journey that I'd love to share with you. Just ask. (I warn you that I may be a bit taken off guard and speechless. Bear with me as I learn to be vulnerable.)
Jesus already bought my freedom. It's time to start living like it.
