Saturday, March 19, 2011

coffee, peanut butter, and Jesus.

Today, I spent a lot of time rereading notes for an upcoming spec mind (read "worldviews") exam and reading biographies about Lincoln Steffens for a history paper.  Who is Lincoln Steffens, you ask?  Apparently, not very many people have any idea who he is.  Well, little blogging world, he was a muckraker.  A journalist that...raked muck.  If you ever feel so inclined to learn more about him, read his autobiography.  It is far more interesting and entertaining than anything anyone else had to say about his life.

In between readings, probably quite a few more in betweens than necessary, I not only read weird, random articles on yahoo.com (facebook banning does strange things to a person), but also drank lots of coffee, made healthy pb muffins and homemade pb, and spent some very much-needed time with my Jesus.

Just so you know, Ugandan Gold Cinnamon Sticky Bun coffee = FANTASTIC iced coffee.  seriously.  add a little bit of raw sugar, some skim milk, and ice cubes and es muy delicioso!  Also, I am very thankful for a healthy homemaker sister-in-law who constantly supplies me with yummy, yet good for you, recipes.  I should find the time to try more of them.

Anyway, as wonderful as really good coffee and a warm pb muffin are, Jesus is so much better.  Believe me, I know.  This week has kind of sucked spiritually.  I'd like to say that I don't know why, but that would be a lie.  I wasn't very intentional in my relationship with Christ and it showed.  I felt so far away from God...our usual intimate relationship was distant and forced.  Last night, I was wondering why on earth I felt a little depressed and anti-social and stressed out all week.  I just wanted to forget the world.  And then God hit me over the head with the fact that I was ignoring Him.  I pushed Him away and chose to follow my own way instead.  For some idiotic reason, I thought my way was better and that it would be easier and more satisfying.

Boy, was I wrong.  I have a tendency to be really close to God when my earthly life sucks.  But when things are going pretty well, I push Him out of the picture and subconsciously tell him I've got it on my own.  I imagine He sits back and says "We'll see about that."  Even if I can handle life on my own when things are going well, why on earth do I ever want to?!?!  Good things are...well, less good.  Life appears to suck and have no meaning.  Little things upset me and I have no motivation for anything.  It all seems rather pointless.

So, today I realized that I can't keep doing this on my own.  Even when things are going well, I don't want to do this without Him.  He makes everything so much better.  Brings so much joy and meaning to life.  Plus, He wants nothing more than to be a part of every aspect of my life, every little action and every passing thought.  He desires ME.  He wants ME.  And I push Him away.  How much that must hurt our Daddy!  He loves us wholly and completely, yet we push him away constantly.  I hate knowing that I resist and reject His love.  I turn from Him and act like I know so much more than He does.  I want control of my life, so I reject His deep love for me.

I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve Him.  I don't deserve a God that will never give up on me, that will forever keep drawing me to Him and always pursue me and seek me out.  I don't deserve it at all.  Yet, He still does it.  My God still comes after me and still loves me more than I could ever comprehend.  What an amazing, incredible thought.  There is a perfect, powerful God who loves me more than anything else and who wants an intimate relationship with me.  little unworthy me.  and you.  but you know what the greatest part is?  In His mind, we are deserving.  How crazy is that?!  In His mind, I am deserving of His love and of forever communion with Him.  When God looks at me, He doesn't see the scarred, broken, and blemished person that I am.  No, He sees the blood of Christ covering over all of that.  He sees a beautiful daughter and a deserving bride that He longs to spend forever and always with.  What a joyous thought!  If that doesn't excite you and make you want to jump up and down and shout from the mountaintops I don't know what will!

So, tomorrow morning before the sun and the rest of your house are up, grab a cup of delicious coffee and your Bible.  maybe a journal.  And just be with God.  Rest in the knowledge of who the Lord is and who You are in Him.  Be reminded of how much He loves and desires you.  And love Him back.  He wants your love.  all of it.


Note:  Something I thought of last night as I went to bed...warning: if you're like me and lost your intimacy with Christ for a few days, a week, months, or years, coming back is going to be HARD.  making yourself be broken and vulnerable before God is not exactly a fun thing.  it's messy.  but, in the end, it is, without a doubt, worth every single tear and every difficult moment of giving up control.

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