humbled.

Ouch.

Asking God to humble you is a stupid thing to do.  It sucks.  I know that it will get better and that in the end, it will be so amazing, but right now it sucks.

What a reminder that our plans fail.  ALWAYS.
Thankfully, His don't.  EVER.  Daddy God, thanks for loving me and picking up the pieces.  Thanks for taking my yucky plans making them perfect.  But, I'll be honest.  If you could make this whole "humbling" process a bit less...well, humbling, that'd be nice.  If only I could just be humble without going through this.  That'd be great.  But then I wouldn't really be humble would I?

Hmmm.  I guess He really does know what's best.  Even when I hate the process and think it sucks.  Hopefully an update about how great the humbling process is later on will come...but, maybe that won't be discovered until Heaven.  who knows.

Proverbs 19:21

action and prayer

Last night, I spent the evening in the top floor of a bar.  Why?

The Resolve Tour

Don't listen when people tell you that your one voice can't make a difference.  Who are we to tell God that He can't work through us?  Because guess what.  He has and He will.  He wants to.  But if we just sit on our butts and do nothing, then nothing will happen.  But, if we act, then things can change.  When we write letters, go to lobby meetings, PRAY, or whatever it is that you do, it can make a difference.  It has in the past and it will continue.  

Last night reminded me of that.  More importantly, it reminded me that we can't do this on our own.  People like to think that there's all this good in humanity and we can bring about peace and justice all on our own.  We can't.  But God can.  I do these things because He has broken my heart.  I do these things because I want people to have the chance to experience His love.  

We have to do this for Him.  It's not for us.  It's not because of us.  It's for Him and because of Him.

So, go do something and go pray.  Prayer is awesome.  Last night, I was given the opportunity to pray over Brian (the Resolve guy on the tour who has been in contact with Project Okello all year).  Well, maybe given the opportunity isn't the right way to phrase that.  Before we left, I told him that I felt like the Holy Spirit wanted me to pray over him.  A little crazy.  But, so awesome.  Spirit-filled prayer in the middle of a hippie (legit hippie...) coffee shop in the south hills?  YES PLEASE.  I definitely think that prayer is just the most incredible thing in the world.  I don't really know if it had an impact.  But, I know it's what God wanted me to do, so I trust that it did or will make a difference somehow.

Back to doing something.  If the LRA stuff isn't something you have a burden for, that's fine.  I mean, obviously I think you should care about it because I think it's really important.  But, God uses different people for different things.  Whatever He breaks your heart for, go after it.  Go be an advocate.

And check out this sweet shirt that I got last night. :)

Oh.  and big shout-out to Alena who drove us there in the monsoon.  You're pretty great and I'm glad that we got to spend eight hours together yesterday.

excitement...and fear.

two posts in one day?  say whaaaat?  yeah.  I have four million thoughts going through my head right now and feel like writing them down.  and I'm not really feeling the whole pen and paper thing right now.  Just a warning...this will probably be rather long.

So, thought number one.  As of this week, I am officially spending my summer in Ohio (and other random places in the states) with Off The Wall Ministry.  So many emotions about this right now.  I'm ridiculously excited.  I know that this will be a summer of intense spiritual growth and I cannot wait for that.  I can't wait to fall even more in love with my Jesus and develop an even greater understanding of who my God is and what He wants from me.  Plus, from the couple times I've talked to them, I definitely think I'm going to be working with some really awesome men and women of God and will form some great friendships.  Even if we end up having nothing else in common, we're all passionately in love with Jesus and desiring more and more of Him in our lives.  and that's what is most important.  I can't wait to really get to know everyone else at OTW and serve alongside them and just live life with them all summer.

But honestly, as excited as I am, there's still a little part of me that's holding back.  There have been a couple times that I've wanted to just call the director and say nevermind,  I can't do this...I'm going to go back to the camp I worked at last summer.  It's so hard to give up my plan.  It's so hard to give up my desires and my passion.  desires and passions that I know God has given me, places and people that He has called me to before and probably will again at some point in the future.  

See, it's really easy to just get comfortable where I am and with what I know.  I now know how to serve God effectively at a summer camp for underprivileged kids from inner-city Pittsburgh.  I know how to do the counselor thing.  and I LOVE it.  Oddly enough, I love all of it.  

I love having to wake up really early in order to have a few minutes of just me and Jesus while I'm surrounded by ten sleeping little girls.  I love waking those little girls up and making sure everyone has showered, brushed their teeth, changed their clothes, made their bed, and peed before we leave for morning exercises.  I love reading them the bible story for the day out on the porch and memorizing bible verses with crazy hand motions.  I love making sure everyone has eaten their vegetables and had at least two glasses of water before they sneakily fill their cup with juice.  I love letting them play with my hair and watching them get frustrated when they don't understand why twisties won't stay in my white girl hair.  I love teaching them how to do things they've never done -- climbing a rock wall, canoeing, or catching crayfish in the creek.  I love comforting them when they're homesick.  I love singing crazy camp songs and beautiful worship songs as we sit around the campfire together.  I love when I suddenly feel a little girl's hand in mine as we're walking up the gravel path.  I love having candle talk late at night and then receiving hugs and goodnight kisses on the cheek from ten little girls I've only known for days.  I love praying with them and hugging them tight when they have nightmares.  I love praying with them when they come up to me crying, saying that they want to know Jesus like I do.  I love hearing ten different girls say "I love you, Ms. Katy" every night, every morning, and throughout the day.

So, that was a long paragraph.  and it could be longer.  I don't blame you if you didn't read it all.  That was really more for me than anything else.  I love those girls.  I hate having to write one of campers to tell her that I can't be her fourth grade counselor because I won't be there this summer.  I have shed so many tears over this.  This is why there are times that I want to call Don and say "Forget it.  I changed my mind.  I'm not coming."  

But, there's one little problem.  As much as I want to be back with my little girls this summer, as much as I long to love on them and share even more of Jesus with them, I can't.  I know for a fact that it's not where God wants me this summer.  If I went back to camp, I would be running.  I would be going back to where I'm comfortable and know that I can succeed.  Yes, I'm sure God could use me at camp this summer.  But, I know that it isn't where He wants me.  Realizing that and then having to act on it by sending in my application to OTW was really hard.  Now that it's actually real and there's no way I'm going back to camp, it's even harder.  I have to give up my dreams and my plans for His.  As Christians, God doesn't ask us to just pray for Jesus to come into our hearts one night or complete a checklist of religious activities.  No, He asks us to surrender our will for His.  So, here goes nothing.

This summer, I'm surrendering it all.  and let me tell you, there are times when it sucks.  There are times that I sit on my bed and cry and fight it.  But, there are also times when I am literally jumping around for joy because of what He is going to do this summer, both in and through me.  I know that it will be so much better than I can even imagine....because it's what He wants.  and I can't wait to find out what it is.

Send me, I'll go!

Lecrae Pandora station.  Not much beats that on a Saturday morning.  Dancing around my apartment like a crazy fool and worshiping Jesus to rap music?  yes, please.  Today, I'm really loving this song.  Check it, yo. :)

(yes, I know that I am ridiculously white.  oh well.  I can pretend.  also, I would just like to say that I love that rap lyrics are rather long.  hello lots of a fantastic words with meaning.  rap = this generation's hymns?!  haha) 




Send Me by Lecrae
youtube video

Send me I’ll go,
Send me I’ll go,
Send me I’ll go,
lemme go lemme go!
(repeat x4)

I seen it with my own two,
there’s no way i can show you
a perfectly poverty stricken people with no view.
And i bet you can’t believe this,
they never heard of jesus.
Heard of young buck, lil wayne, and young jeezy.

No one’s signing up to go on missions this summer.
Rather sit at home and watch Xzibit pimping a hummer

while a nine year old is shot down.
No one’s screaming ‘stop now!’
no bridge illustrations for criminals who on lock down.

People deep in africa
looking for an answer bra’.
In china man,
they’re dying man,
until they know who died for sins.
So look what grace did.
Not for us to stay hid

inside our comfort zones
at home in mama’s basement.

Get out on the grind y’all.
Ain’t no better time dawg.
I know y’all read the great commission.
Let me just remind y’all:
make disciples of the nations.
Teach em to obey the Lord.
Hate to never lead someone to Christ before I face the Lord.

Send me I’ll go,
Send me I’ll go,
Send me I’ll go,
lemme go lemme go!
(repeat x4)

Hey! After, 1,000 years in the west and the church is
get’n bigger daily without understanding worship. (say what?)

Some regenerated but a lot ain’t saved.
You walk outside and be surprised cuz the block ain’t changed.
And the numbers, they be getting em.

Something just ain’t hit’n them.
America ain’t christian they just practicing a ritual.

That’s why we should be missional.
Hey, what you think i’m spit’n for?
The united states is dying
and in the east it’s looking pitiful.

Some places if they catch you
they’ll arrest you.
They’ll serve you,
but they still need the word too.
The gospel should be heard too.
We claim we ain’t ashamed,
but we ain’t hit the block up.
Were in our christian bubble,
while our brotha’s get’n locked up.
Lord i wanna stock up,
pack a bag and walk up
in a country where sharing my faith may get me shot up
anywhere i go, whether my city or far abroad,
i just wanna show them Jesus Christ the risen holy God.

Send me I’ll go,
send me I’ll go,
send me I’ll go,
lemme go lemme go!
(repeat x4)

I know they’re dying in the streets over in the middle east.
Some kids seeking peace
others hold’n up a piece.
If the violence doesn’t cease,
then at least the deceased
might know Jesus as their savior as their bodies hit the streets.
And i know this is a graphic view.
And i pray that it’s attack’n you.
Attracting you to act and do
what you see in the back of Luke

Mathew twenty-four and fourteen.
We should read it twice
before we think that life is just about us
being free in Christ!
Look dawg! Life is more than church, work, and football!
What if you were dead in sin and christians overlooked y’all!
This is why we leave the couch
and leave the comforts of our house
to show a dying world a God they’ll probably never read about.

The great commission says make disciples of all nations.
Have we even made them in our own nation?
Come on Christians!
Missions exist because worship doesn’t.
People don’t worship the God who made them.
We’re ambassadors.

Let’s go!

Send me I’ll go,
send me I’ll go,
send me I’ll go,
lemme go lemme go!

May God bless with you a restless discomfort...

Yet again, I was reading for my Spec Mind paper.  At the end of one of the books I'm using (The Hole in Our Gospel by Richard Stearns) is a Franciscan benediction.  And I love it.  I'm not a huge liturgy person at all, but there are times that I definitely appreciate it and God really uses it to speak to me.  This is my prayer for all of you and for me.

May God bless you with a restless discomfort
about easy answers, half-truths, and superficial relationships,
so that you may seek truth boldly and love deep within your heart.


May God bless you with holy anger at injustice, oppression,
and exploitation of people, so that you may tirelessly work for
justice, freedom, and peace among all people.


May God bless you with the gift of tears to shed with those who suffer
from pain, rejection, starvation, or the loss of all that they cherish, so that you
may reach out your hand to comfort them and transform their pain into joy.


May God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that
you really can make a difference in this world, so that you are able,
with God's grace, to do what others claim cannot be done.


And the blessings of God the Supreme Majesty and our Creator,
Jesus Christ the Incarnate Word Who is our Brother and Savior,
and the Holy Spirit, our Advocate and Guide, be with you
and remain with you, this day and forevermore.  Amen.


I do believe this will be printed out and put on my wall forever.  Also, go listen to Set the World on Fire by Britt Nicole.  That will always be one of my favorite songs.

But don't just read and listen.  Follow it up with action.  GO.  whether it's across the world, across the street, or simply across the hall.  If we're all sitting in our rooms doing nothing but shedding tears and getting anger and having our hearts stirred, what good does that do?  BE MOVED.  literally, not figuratively.

coffee, peanut butter, and Jesus.

Today, I spent a lot of time rereading notes for an upcoming spec mind (read "worldviews") exam and reading biographies about Lincoln Steffens for a history paper.  Who is Lincoln Steffens, you ask?  Apparently, not very many people have any idea who he is.  Well, little blogging world, he was a muckraker.  A journalist that...raked muck.  If you ever feel so inclined to learn more about him, read his autobiography.  It is far more interesting and entertaining than anything anyone else had to say about his life.

In between readings, probably quite a few more in betweens than necessary, I not only read weird, random articles on yahoo.com (facebook banning does strange things to a person), but also drank lots of coffee, made healthy pb muffins and homemade pb, and spent some very much-needed time with my Jesus.

Just so you know, Ugandan Gold Cinnamon Sticky Bun coffee = FANTASTIC iced coffee.  seriously.  add a little bit of raw sugar, some skim milk, and ice cubes and es muy delicioso!  Also, I am very thankful for a healthy homemaker sister-in-law who constantly supplies me with yummy, yet good for you, recipes.  I should find the time to try more of them.

Anyway, as wonderful as really good coffee and a warm pb muffin are, Jesus is so much better.  Believe me, I know.  This week has kind of sucked spiritually.  I'd like to say that I don't know why, but that would be a lie.  I wasn't very intentional in my relationship with Christ and it showed.  I felt so far away from God...our usual intimate relationship was distant and forced.  Last night, I was wondering why on earth I felt a little depressed and anti-social and stressed out all week.  I just wanted to forget the world.  And then God hit me over the head with the fact that I was ignoring Him.  I pushed Him away and chose to follow my own way instead.  For some idiotic reason, I thought my way was better and that it would be easier and more satisfying.

Boy, was I wrong.  I have a tendency to be really close to God when my earthly life sucks.  But when things are going pretty well, I push Him out of the picture and subconsciously tell him I've got it on my own.  I imagine He sits back and says "We'll see about that."  Even if I can handle life on my own when things are going well, why on earth do I ever want to?!?!  Good things are...well, less good.  Life appears to suck and have no meaning.  Little things upset me and I have no motivation for anything.  It all seems rather pointless.

So, today I realized that I can't keep doing this on my own.  Even when things are going well, I don't want to do this without Him.  He makes everything so much better.  Brings so much joy and meaning to life.  Plus, He wants nothing more than to be a part of every aspect of my life, every little action and every passing thought.  He desires ME.  He wants ME.  And I push Him away.  How much that must hurt our Daddy!  He loves us wholly and completely, yet we push him away constantly.  I hate knowing that I resist and reject His love.  I turn from Him and act like I know so much more than He does.  I want control of my life, so I reject His deep love for me.

I don't deserve it.  I don't deserve Him.  I don't deserve a God that will never give up on me, that will forever keep drawing me to Him and always pursue me and seek me out.  I don't deserve it at all.  Yet, He still does it.  My God still comes after me and still loves me more than I could ever comprehend.  What an amazing, incredible thought.  There is a perfect, powerful God who loves me more than anything else and who wants an intimate relationship with me.  little unworthy me.  and you.  but you know what the greatest part is?  In His mind, we are deserving.  How crazy is that?!  In His mind, I am deserving of His love and of forever communion with Him.  When God looks at me, He doesn't see the scarred, broken, and blemished person that I am.  No, He sees the blood of Christ covering over all of that.  He sees a beautiful daughter and a deserving bride that He longs to spend forever and always with.  What a joyous thought!  If that doesn't excite you and make you want to jump up and down and shout from the mountaintops I don't know what will!

So, tomorrow morning before the sun and the rest of your house are up, grab a cup of delicious coffee and your Bible.  maybe a journal.  And just be with God.  Rest in the knowledge of who the Lord is and who You are in Him.  Be reminded of how much He loves and desires you.  And love Him back.  He wants your love.  all of it.


Note:  Something I thought of last night as I went to bed...warning: if you're like me and lost your intimacy with Christ for a few days, a week, months, or years, coming back is going to be HARD.  making yourself be broken and vulnerable before God is not exactly a fun thing.  it's messy.  but, in the end, it is, without a doubt, worth every single tear and every difficult moment of giving up control.

feed My sheep

Tonight, Invisible Children came.  Big "WOOHOOOOO!" to that.  I really needed that reminder that what I'm fighting for and praying for is so incredibly real.  and still such a problem.  But, that's not what I want to talk about....it's just a tiny little bit.

Today, O-Cham (one of my great nicknames for Oswald Chambers, author of My Utmost for His Highest) talked about how Jesus calls us to "Feed My sheep." (John 21:17)  This really was something I needed to be reminded of right now.  In a very uncharacteristically Katy-way, I'm going to actually share with you guys part of what I wrote in my prayer journal today.  Normally, that is something that is really personal and completely between just me and God.  But, it will really show you my heart and what's on my mind right now.  So, here goes nothing.

"I just read what O-Cham had to say for today.  "Feed My sheep."  Not "Talk about how much you love Me."  Not "Talk about the great things you've been learning."  No.  "Feed My sheep."  Lord, give me a heart that longs to feed Your sheep!  Break my heart.  Break it so much that I act.  I don't want to just talk and feel.  I want ACTION.  I want to feed Your sheep.  Help me not only love, but also act on that love and feed them.  Show me how.  Reveal Your plan to me.  Show me what You want me to do.  In the BIG.  In the seemingly small.  Lead me.  And help me draw them closer to You."

This is my heart's cry right now.  I want to feed His sheep.  Not for my glory.  Not so that I can tell all of you and everyone else what a great person I am because I've done all of these wonderful things.  No.  I want to feed His sheep so that He will be glorified.  Now, if only I can learn to trust God so much that I actually do this.  If only I can learn to follow God completely so that this can stop being the cry of my heart and become my everyday life...