It's been a while since I wrote like this...I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing. Regardless, I'm warning you that this post is probably going to be all over the place and those of you who are writers or amazing communicators will probably get frustrated at the lack of flow. Whatever...this is more me. :)
Last week, I spent some time in Florida. Oh the things that come up in one's heart when you leave your life, your friends, your roles, responsibilities, and expectations for a week. In fact, most of the people I spent time with in Florida, I had never met before. And if I had met them, I'd only spent a few days with them.
This trip surprised me in so many ways. Rest. Refreshing. A reminder of who I really am.
Be>Do. The mantra that Papa has been speaking over me constantly the last few months.
But, let's be honest...I still don't get it.
I get wrapped up in the doing, wrapped up in the controlling, wrapped up in trying to be perfect.
I spend my days struggling to do everything I can to stop needing grace.
I want to be the perfect employee. The perfect follower of Jesus. The perfect friend. The perfect hostess. The perfect artist. The perfect lover of people. And the list goes on...and it's exhausting.
Then I went to Florida and it was like God began stripping away every little "do" in my life and reminded me how to simply "be" again. Every "do" that I've created in my life didn't exist in Florida. I spent time with God and I spent time with people. And it was lovely. It felt like my soul was stretching out of the little box I've shoved it in recently.
I have a quote on my mirror that says "Tear off the mask. Your face is glorious!" The community in Florida taught me how true this is. They don't live with the masks that I grew so accustomed to both as a pastor's kid and while I was in college. Being in West Palm allowed me to tear off my mask...to not "do" at all and simply be who Jesus created me to be.
Without any of the unhealthy expectations that I place on myself, I was free to enjoy Jesus and people more fully.
I was free to admit struggles, failures, and fears and to embrace grace with my gaze on Jesus.
In that, I felt parts of my heart being reawakened. Parts that I thought were simply too flighty, too irresponsible, too dreamy and idealistic to be allowed to think about and run after now that I'm supposed to be a grown-up, successful college grad. Desires and dreams and little parts of who I am being given little hints of life again. And they were being given life out of a healthy place...out of overflow. It felt wonderful...and a bit childish. Though looking back now, I wonder if I've started placing all things childlike into the childish box.
I wish that I could say that now that I'm back it's all totally different. I wish I could say that every little demon that tells me that I'm not good enough, that tells me to keep doing and to run from grace has left. That hasn't happened yet. It's a process of learning to stop listening to the lies from Satan, to humble myself, to daily admit that I do not, in fact, have all my shit together.
It's the process of learning how to embrace grace again.
It's hard and it's beautiful. It's scary and it's freeing.
At the end of the day, it's learning how to live at the feet of Jesus again and again and again.
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