Today, I was a bit thrown off. I was looking at the google searches that have led people to my blog in the last month.
This one stuck out: "aox grove city, problems"
My initial response was "Oy." And then I laughed. And then I realized that whoever has issues with my church (and employer and closest friends!) now associates them with me. It's probably a college student. Very likely someone that I know...yikes.
Satan came creeping at the part of my mind labeled "reputation"...he tried to instill a fear of what others think.
Ironic that I noticed this today...the day I returned to Grove City College after being gone for a week in Illinois and Kansas. A week of sharing the love of Jesus openly and freely. A week of not holding back my charismatic beliefs and simply freely expressing my love for Papa God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. When we got back to campus last night, a friend and I prayer walked campus for a bit. I realized the chains that threatened to shackle me. The chains of caring what others think about me and my faith. I felt my freedom threatening to give way to fear. The thought of others seeing me lay hands on buildings and rooms and praying loudly for God to shake our campus...yikes. What will they think? How will I be perceived? Will anyone respect me anymore? Or will I just be that crazy charismatic girl? Will they think I'm judging them instead of loving them? Can they hear me praying in tongues? Will they judge the fact that I'm out at 1 AM praying with a guy? (That's not acceptable at my college...unless you're dating.)
From now on, I refuse to let those questions control the way I live my life. I'm tired of strapping on chains when I step foot on a Christian campus...chains that Jesus died to break.
This post is hard for me to write. Because there are little demons trying to make me delete it. Because once this is out there, I'm officially saying "Call me the crazy charismatic girl if you want...that doesn't define me. I know who I am in Jesus and that's what matters. And I love you...and want you to hold me to showing that." Because once this is out there, the whole campus has access to the fact that I wander around at night praying in tongues for them. Yup. I speak in tongues. A LOT. I pray for healing for people. I expect miracles, signs, and wonders to happen around me. I don't believe in coincidences. I believe Holy Spirit wants to shake our campus and set people free.
I refuse to hide any longer. I refuse to keep my mouth shut because I may be judged, because you may think that the way I follow Jesus isn't legitimate. I refuse to not express my love for Jesus wholeheartedly out of fear of what you may say about it.
I refuse to give way to fear. Because that's what it all is...fear that comes straight from the pit of hell. Fear that is a liar.
So, yes. I am a part of AOX. Yes, I believe in the Holy Spirit and all of the "charismatic" gifts that come with Him. But, no, that's not the basis of my life. I don't go around chasing miracles. I chase Jesus...or more accurately, He chases me. And it's been a beautiful, insane, scary, freeing journey that I'd love to share with you. Just ask. (I warn you that I may be a bit taken off guard and speechless. Bear with me as I learn to be vulnerable.)
Jesus already bought my freedom. It's time to start living like it.
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
steadfast in hope
There has been one prayer that has resonated in my soul time and time again lately. Almost every day, I find myself uttering the words "Make me into a woman who is steadfast in hope."
I know people who choose words for the year, who decide on one word they want to describe that year, that semester. I've never been one to do that sort of thing. Until this year, when it just simply happened.
Hope.
A few summers ago, I remember the Lord putting a dream into my heart of one day owning a home with the word "HOPE" sprawled across the front door. Figuratively, yes, but also literally. A haven of hope for those who have lost it. A place of the resurrection of hope and faith. In order to have hope flowing through my home, I must first have it become what my heart screams into the darkness and what my life tells to others.
This semester, that is what I long for. Not a hope that fades or passes away. I long for a hope in Christ, in His promises to me, that is steadfast, immovable. Every single day, I long to be able to say that my hope is not reliant on my present circumstances. I desire to be able to say that no matter what the world throws at me, I will cling to my Hope, my God.
Even in the last few weeks, as this has begun to come up over and over and over again, this has been increasingly hard. Hope is hard to come by right now. Satan is throwing down the gauntlet and is trying to strip me of every last once of hope I have. The beautiful thing? Lately, this has just been sending me running, rushing, falling, collapsing into my Saviour's arms.
It's beautiful in the ugliest way. Interesting realization...I've always loved finding the beauty in the ugly. I used to have photographs of trash, dumps, and littered alleys on my dorm room walls. It wasn't your typical beauty, but I adored it. To some, it looked ugly and depressing. To me, it looked like a real world filled with hope. I suppose, now, the Lord is teaching me to love that beauty in the ugly areas of life.
He's been talking to me a lot lately about the weather. It's been really freaking cold for the last month (other than a couple little reprieves). Yet, the snow. Guys, the snow is so beautiful. There have been multiple days I've just freaked out because it legitimately looked like it was snowing glitter. It was stunning. But then, it got muddy. The beauty started to fade away as we kept walking through it. And then the Lord started speaking about the life beneath the snow. There is life forming that we cannot yet see. It's there and we will get to witness it...just not yet. Patience, children. Patience, and the new life will come. The greener days, the springtime will return. For now, enjoy the snow, find the beauty in this wintery season.
My prayer today, for you and for me, is that the Lord will make us steadfast in hope. That our foundations will be so solid that no storm can shake us.
Now everyone go listen to Sean Feucht's Song for Nations CD. It's on Spotify. It's been craaaaazyyyyy wrecking me. Including while I was writing this.
I know people who choose words for the year, who decide on one word they want to describe that year, that semester. I've never been one to do that sort of thing. Until this year, when it just simply happened.
Hope.
A few summers ago, I remember the Lord putting a dream into my heart of one day owning a home with the word "HOPE" sprawled across the front door. Figuratively, yes, but also literally. A haven of hope for those who have lost it. A place of the resurrection of hope and faith. In order to have hope flowing through my home, I must first have it become what my heart screams into the darkness and what my life tells to others.
This semester, that is what I long for. Not a hope that fades or passes away. I long for a hope in Christ, in His promises to me, that is steadfast, immovable. Every single day, I long to be able to say that my hope is not reliant on my present circumstances. I desire to be able to say that no matter what the world throws at me, I will cling to my Hope, my God.
Even in the last few weeks, as this has begun to come up over and over and over again, this has been increasingly hard. Hope is hard to come by right now. Satan is throwing down the gauntlet and is trying to strip me of every last once of hope I have. The beautiful thing? Lately, this has just been sending me running, rushing, falling, collapsing into my Saviour's arms.
It's beautiful in the ugliest way. Interesting realization...I've always loved finding the beauty in the ugly. I used to have photographs of trash, dumps, and littered alleys on my dorm room walls. It wasn't your typical beauty, but I adored it. To some, it looked ugly and depressing. To me, it looked like a real world filled with hope. I suppose, now, the Lord is teaching me to love that beauty in the ugly areas of life.
He's been talking to me a lot lately about the weather. It's been really freaking cold for the last month (other than a couple little reprieves). Yet, the snow. Guys, the snow is so beautiful. There have been multiple days I've just freaked out because it legitimately looked like it was snowing glitter. It was stunning. But then, it got muddy. The beauty started to fade away as we kept walking through it. And then the Lord started speaking about the life beneath the snow. There is life forming that we cannot yet see. It's there and we will get to witness it...just not yet. Patience, children. Patience, and the new life will come. The greener days, the springtime will return. For now, enjoy the snow, find the beauty in this wintery season.
My prayer today, for you and for me, is that the Lord will make us steadfast in hope. That our foundations will be so solid that no storm can shake us.
Now everyone go listen to Sean Feucht's Song for Nations CD. It's on Spotify. It's been craaaaazyyyyy wrecking me. Including while I was writing this.
Monday, January 28, 2013
faithfulness, laughter, joy...a brief update.
I figured after my last post, I should probably give y'all a bit of an update so you're not too worried about me. :) haha
GOD IS AWESOME. that about sums it up.
seriously, guys. Since I last posted, He's been slowly but surely re-romancing me and blowing me away with who He is. He's been stripping me of my doubt and replacing it with trust in who He says He is and what He promises. It's been slow and painful...but so amazing. Yet again, I'm learning so much about accepting grace from both Him and others. Have I been an asshole recently? Oh yes. Yet, all of my friends and community love me deeply anyway. and God has been giving me more mercy and grace than I'm even willing to accept right now.
That's a big one at the moment...accepting the grace He gives me. One of my dearest friends recently sent me what will be a blog post (*ahem*) about learning to walk in grace. It was beautiful, amazing, and made me cry. and makes me cry as I think about it. I reject God's grace so often. I refuse to accept it. I refuse to allow Him to give me grace. WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?!?!?!?!?!?!
I don't know. But He's teaching me. and I am learning to accept grace. and it is absolutely wrecking me. Last night, I spent time weeping and laughing with the Lord. I haven't laughed like that with God in months. And I missed it so much...I can't even describe. Guys, if you've never laughed in worship...well, I bless you with Holy laughter. It's truly one of the most beautiful things God has let me experience in worship and prayer and time with Him...to just be overtaken with laughter and joy that comes from Him alone...INCREDIBLE. It's kind of one of my favorite things...and believe me, it has NOT been happening lately. So, to be so overcome by God's presence and incredible Love and Grace and Faithfulness...I was undone. I was a mess. I'm still a mess. I've been randomly laughing and almost crying today. As I walk to class, as I sit in HAL...
I am undone before Him and it is so beautiful. It's still a constant struggle. Satan still attacks and tries to rip me of my hope and joy. But he's losing right now and I like it that way!
Now, everyone, go listen to this song. And I pray that it blasts you even more than it's been blasting me.
Friday, January 18, 2013
on realizing I can be a stupid asshole...
Warning: this post will contain some cussing. I don't think it's always wrong, and I will use those words. Because there are time that other words truly do not do justice and evoke the same feeling. I am not a fan of unnecessary swearing. But, there are times when you just have to if you're going to be honest with yourself...and others. If this offends you, just be glad you haven't read my prayer journal lately...
Today, I realized what a stupid asshole I've been the last few weeks. Yup. In so so so many ways. For one thing, I haven't been loving people well...at all. I've been running on empty and had nothing to give to anyone else. I knew this was the case, but was kind of over it and just figured it was time for people to care for me instead. entitlement....gross. So, I've been a rather apathetic buttface to the people in my life most of the time. This is my public apology...for the way I've been acting and the way I will probably continue to act on occasion. I'm sorry and know that "it's not you, it's me." No, seriously. It's NOT you. and it is ALL my own problems.
But, even worse than my lack of care for other people, has been my intense apathy towards God. I realized about a week or so ago that I had stopped trusting God and I didn't care. Before when I've realized my faith is slipping, I've become rather mortified. I cling to Jesus and it returns. Not this time. My trust, my faith completely fizzled out and, to be honest, I didn't give a shit. You see, I felt like God had intentionally caused me pain and I was done. I was done with pain and hurt and heartache. I was done with trusting Him for the things He had spoken and promised, only to see the opposite happening in real life. I was done with the heartache of prayers that seemed to be bouncing off the ceiling.
Right now, I'm reading the book God on Mute by Pete Greig. He talks about how when people are faced with unanswered prayer, they often deal with one of two doubts. Either God is not all powerful or God is not all good. I used to doubt God's power, but was so firmly rooted in His goodness and love. Now, the opposite doubts are bombarding me. I've seen far too many things to doubt His power anymore. I know that I know that I know that He is powerful. I know that He can heal. I know that He can restore and redeem and bring life out of death. I know that He can raise people from the dead, that He can control the weather, provide finances, and get rid of a headache. I know that He can set the captives free and bring peace and joy to the brokenhearted.
But, I also know that He doesn't always do those things.
And that's where I've been sitting lately. My God claims He is all good and yet He doesn't always step in when I know that He can do whatever He wants. And yet, I'm supposed to trust Him? When He tells me things, I'm supposed to believe Him. This, from the same God that says He heals all of our iniquities. Umm. I haven't seen all of them healed. And so, I stopped believing in His goodness. I may not have always admitted it. I'm having a hard time admitting it to you all now. But, deep within my heart, I've been believing that there is no way God is all good. Which meant He isn't worthy of my trust...because trusting Him leads to pain and suffering.
Pete Greig wrote this poem:
ENGAGING THE SILENCE
first
there is
prayer
and where there is prayer
there may be
miracles
but where miracles may not be
there are
questions
and where there are questions
there may be
silence
but silence may be
more than
absence
silence
may be presence
muted
silence
may not be nothing but
something
to explore
defy accuse
engage
and
this is
prayer
and where there is prayer
there may yet be
miracles...
Yup. that about sums it up. And tonight I realized something. Avoiding, rejecting, and doubting God is not going to heal my hurts. In fact, it just magnifies them. I may hurt when I trust Him, but I hurt a whole hell of a lot more when I don't. The pain is expounded upon when I'm not leaning on Him...it never lets up. But, when I'm with Him, there are moments of joyful delight. There are moments of complete and total trust and belief and faith. There is a deep, unshakeable hope in my soul...and I'm going to get that back if it's the last thing I do.
Today, I realized what a stupid asshole I've been the last few weeks. Yup. In so so so many ways. For one thing, I haven't been loving people well...at all. I've been running on empty and had nothing to give to anyone else. I knew this was the case, but was kind of over it and just figured it was time for people to care for me instead. entitlement....gross. So, I've been a rather apathetic buttface to the people in my life most of the time. This is my public apology...for the way I've been acting and the way I will probably continue to act on occasion. I'm sorry and know that "it's not you, it's me." No, seriously. It's NOT you. and it is ALL my own problems.
But, even worse than my lack of care for other people, has been my intense apathy towards God. I realized about a week or so ago that I had stopped trusting God and I didn't care. Before when I've realized my faith is slipping, I've become rather mortified. I cling to Jesus and it returns. Not this time. My trust, my faith completely fizzled out and, to be honest, I didn't give a shit. You see, I felt like God had intentionally caused me pain and I was done. I was done with pain and hurt and heartache. I was done with trusting Him for the things He had spoken and promised, only to see the opposite happening in real life. I was done with the heartache of prayers that seemed to be bouncing off the ceiling.
Right now, I'm reading the book God on Mute by Pete Greig. He talks about how when people are faced with unanswered prayer, they often deal with one of two doubts. Either God is not all powerful or God is not all good. I used to doubt God's power, but was so firmly rooted in His goodness and love. Now, the opposite doubts are bombarding me. I've seen far too many things to doubt His power anymore. I know that I know that I know that He is powerful. I know that He can heal. I know that He can restore and redeem and bring life out of death. I know that He can raise people from the dead, that He can control the weather, provide finances, and get rid of a headache. I know that He can set the captives free and bring peace and joy to the brokenhearted.
But, I also know that He doesn't always do those things.
And that's where I've been sitting lately. My God claims He is all good and yet He doesn't always step in when I know that He can do whatever He wants. And yet, I'm supposed to trust Him? When He tells me things, I'm supposed to believe Him. This, from the same God that says He heals all of our iniquities. Umm. I haven't seen all of them healed. And so, I stopped believing in His goodness. I may not have always admitted it. I'm having a hard time admitting it to you all now. But, deep within my heart, I've been believing that there is no way God is all good. Which meant He isn't worthy of my trust...because trusting Him leads to pain and suffering.
Pete Greig wrote this poem:
ENGAGING THE SILENCE
first
there is
prayer
and where there is prayer
there may be
miracles
but where miracles may not be
there are
questions
and where there are questions
there may be
silence
but silence may be
more than
absence
silence
may be presence
muted
silence
may not be nothing but
something
to explore
defy accuse
engage
and
this is
prayer
and where there is prayer
there may yet be
miracles...
Yup. that about sums it up. And tonight I realized something. Avoiding, rejecting, and doubting God is not going to heal my hurts. In fact, it just magnifies them. I may hurt when I trust Him, but I hurt a whole hell of a lot more when I don't. The pain is expounded upon when I'm not leaning on Him...it never lets up. But, when I'm with Him, there are moments of joyful delight. There are moments of complete and total trust and belief and faith. There is a deep, unshakeable hope in my soul...and I'm going to get that back if it's the last thing I do.
Monday, November 12, 2012
contentment, humility, and fighting.
Contentment.
Lately that's seemed like such an elusive word. I seem to be chasing after it...and occasionally running away from it. When I manage to hold it in my grasp, it floats away as normal life returns.
Senior year. I always thought I wouldn't be like everyone else. I had my pious view of what my senior year would be like. I would be content where I was. I wouldn't worry about my future, a job, where I was going to live. I would enjoy every moment of senior year and praise God without ceasing. I would love my friends well and live in the moment. I would be happy where I was, while still looking forward to what was going to come in May. Oh yes, I was going to have the perfect senior year and be oh so Godly through it all, unlike everyone else I knew.
Lately, God has been humbling me like crazy. It's so easy to become prideful and judge people based on the season they're in or the ways that they react. It's so easy to view ourselves as so much more spiritually mature simple because what we are struggling with is different than what they are.
And then we're reminded that we struggle with things, too. That we are not perfect, as much as we may like to think that we are. We are reminded that we are just as much in need of grace as the rest of the world.
So, here I am. Senior year. Struggling with discontentment and anxiety. The two things that I thought would never hit me this year. And yet, here they are. Humbled.
Yesterday, I picked up a book and hit with a truth that I had somehow forgotten. Seriously, I just picked up the book, opened it to where I had left off about a month ago and BAM. We're fighting a spiritual war, guys. Yes, Jesus promised that He would give us life and life abundantly. But, He also told us that there's a thief out there that's dead set on stealing, killing, and destroying that abundant life. That little thief is rather sneaky and conniving, too. He makes us forget that he even exists...or at least that he's fighting against us constantly.
And so, we sit in our discontentment. We sit in our anxiety. We wish it away. We wonder when life will be different...when we'll have our joy again. Yet, we do nothing to change it. We fight, but don't give much thought to who we are fighting for. Which side am I fighting on? Yes, there are times that the Lord tells us to "Be Still" and allow Him to fight for us. But, there are also times that we must go into battle. Goodness, even being still and allowing Him to fight is a battle against our instincts.
Lately, I've found that I fight for the wrong side rather frequently. I allow thoughts of anxiety to pester me and do nothing about it other than feel guilt and more anxiety about being anxious. I allow myself to wish away the present and think that I'll be more content when I'm out of school and live in my own little apartment. And I do nothing when these thoughts come. I don't always fight them. Instead, I agree with them because it's easier. In case you weren't already aware, fighting is hard. And I often wonder if it's really worth it...because the more I fight against the thief, the harder the battle becomes.
But, guys. We have to fight. We have to. I refuse to simply give up and give in. I refuse to let this little thief steal my joy, steal my peace, steal my life. Nope. I've decided to fight from now on. Hold me to that, okay? When I get weary, remind me to fight.
Remind me to find the simple things in life that used to bring me such joy.
Remind me to take a moment to listen to beautiful music.
Remind me to go outside and enjoy the beautiful sunset that He painted for me.
Remind me to go love the beautiful people in this beautiful world that He loves so deeply.
Remind me to enjoy my beautiful coffee. :)
Remind me to go enjoy beauty. to go create beauty. because that is what I love. and that is how I will fight.
Lately that's seemed like such an elusive word. I seem to be chasing after it...and occasionally running away from it. When I manage to hold it in my grasp, it floats away as normal life returns.
Senior year. I always thought I wouldn't be like everyone else. I had my pious view of what my senior year would be like. I would be content where I was. I wouldn't worry about my future, a job, where I was going to live. I would enjoy every moment of senior year and praise God without ceasing. I would love my friends well and live in the moment. I would be happy where I was, while still looking forward to what was going to come in May. Oh yes, I was going to have the perfect senior year and be oh so Godly through it all, unlike everyone else I knew.
Lately, God has been humbling me like crazy. It's so easy to become prideful and judge people based on the season they're in or the ways that they react. It's so easy to view ourselves as so much more spiritually mature simple because what we are struggling with is different than what they are.
And then we're reminded that we struggle with things, too. That we are not perfect, as much as we may like to think that we are. We are reminded that we are just as much in need of grace as the rest of the world.
So, here I am. Senior year. Struggling with discontentment and anxiety. The two things that I thought would never hit me this year. And yet, here they are. Humbled.
Yesterday, I picked up a book and hit with a truth that I had somehow forgotten. Seriously, I just picked up the book, opened it to where I had left off about a month ago and BAM. We're fighting a spiritual war, guys. Yes, Jesus promised that He would give us life and life abundantly. But, He also told us that there's a thief out there that's dead set on stealing, killing, and destroying that abundant life. That little thief is rather sneaky and conniving, too. He makes us forget that he even exists...or at least that he's fighting against us constantly.
And so, we sit in our discontentment. We sit in our anxiety. We wish it away. We wonder when life will be different...when we'll have our joy again. Yet, we do nothing to change it. We fight, but don't give much thought to who we are fighting for. Which side am I fighting on? Yes, there are times that the Lord tells us to "Be Still" and allow Him to fight for us. But, there are also times that we must go into battle. Goodness, even being still and allowing Him to fight is a battle against our instincts.
Lately, I've found that I fight for the wrong side rather frequently. I allow thoughts of anxiety to pester me and do nothing about it other than feel guilt and more anxiety about being anxious. I allow myself to wish away the present and think that I'll be more content when I'm out of school and live in my own little apartment. And I do nothing when these thoughts come. I don't always fight them. Instead, I agree with them because it's easier. In case you weren't already aware, fighting is hard. And I often wonder if it's really worth it...because the more I fight against the thief, the harder the battle becomes.
But, guys. We have to fight. We have to. I refuse to simply give up and give in. I refuse to let this little thief steal my joy, steal my peace, steal my life. Nope. I've decided to fight from now on. Hold me to that, okay? When I get weary, remind me to fight.
Remind me to find the simple things in life that used to bring me such joy.
Remind me to take a moment to listen to beautiful music.
Remind me to go outside and enjoy the beautiful sunset that He painted for me.
Remind me to go love the beautiful people in this beautiful world that He loves so deeply.
Remind me to enjoy my beautiful coffee. :)
Remind me to go enjoy beauty. to go create beauty. because that is what I love. and that is how I will fight.
Friday, November 9, 2012
On questions of His goodness...
Warning: this is crazy vulnerable and will probably lead to me weeping in this coffee shop. Welcome to the current depths of my heart...well, maybe not quite there, but pretty darn close.
There are two major things I've been struggling with the last couple weeks.
God's goodness and discontentment. This post will just be about the first.
God's goodness. I know that He is all-good. I also know that He is all-powerful. And yet, when a 19-year-old dies of cancer, you being to question, to doubt, to wonder. I know that my God can heal...and does. I know because I've read about in the Bible, I've heard testimonies of it happening, I've seen it happen directly before my eyes, and I've had it happen to me. So, is my God all-powerful and a Healer? I cannot deny that He is.
And so I pray for healing. I pray that the cancer goes away and I believe that it can. That it will, even. I know that the sweet girl fighting this terrible thing desperately longs to be healed by her Maker and believes that He will do that for her. She is filled with faith. And so, for six months, or however long it's been, I pray for healing. Some weeks, I pray more often and with more fervor than others. Some weeks, I completely forget and later struggle with guilt over this. And then last week came. The week where most of the hours of my days were filled with tears, heart-wrenching cries to my Healer and questions as I grasp for faith. The week that seemed like pure hell on earth. I could barely hold conversations without wanting to burst into tears or fall on my knees in prayer.
And when I could do other things, I felt guilty. I felt like I wasn't doing enough, that I hadn't done enough in the past. That I hadn't loved well enough or been a good enough RA before it all. That I hadn't prayed enough over the summer. That I simply was not enough. There was so much more I could have done. More conversations, more hugs, more prayers. More love.
Prayers, tears, guilt, questions. That was all last week was.
And then it all came down. She was gone. She was with Jesus forever, face-to-face. Part of me was joyous because it was finally over and she was finally with Him. Part of me couldn't stop crying and asking God "WHY?!" That was the part that began to question His goodness. How could He be good if He didn't step in and heal Emilee? How could He possibly be good and declare Love over us? How is that Love?
To be honest, I still don't know. But, after going to the service to celebrate Emilee's life and spending some much-needed time away from the Grove, I've been reminded of something.
I cannot decide what God should do based on my definition of goodness. Rather, my definition of goodness should adjust when I discover more and more of who God is.
I don't know why Emilee wasn't healed. I don't know why sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. I haven't a clue. And as much as I hate it at times, I'm glad that I can't understand my God. And I still know that He loves Emilee and that He loves healing His children...whether it's a headache or cancer. There are three simple things that I am taking from this:
1. God is all-powerful and all-good, NO MATTER WHAT.
2. I have a much deeper desire to fight for healing, both physically and emotionally, than I ever have had before. I want to be like Jesus and Jesus healed everyone that approached Him, end of story.
3. I will trust Him. NO MATTER WHAT.
Is this still a struggle? Yes. Do I still have questions and am I crying right now because of them? Yes.
But, I know that God will get me through...even if my questions are never answered. Even if I still have them sixty years from now. I will trust in the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord until the day I do...because when I don't...oh man, when I don't, I cannot live. I cannot function, I cannot do anything. When I am doubting, fearing, approaching Him with nothing but uncertainty, I might as well be dead. It is the worst thing ever and I never want to go back to those moments.
Instead, I am going to approach the throne room of my Papa with confidence that He is full of goodness and love and will give me the answers that I need...not the ones that I want, but the ones that I need. and from there, I will trust and believe.
There are two major things I've been struggling with the last couple weeks.
God's goodness and discontentment. This post will just be about the first.
God's goodness. I know that He is all-good. I also know that He is all-powerful. And yet, when a 19-year-old dies of cancer, you being to question, to doubt, to wonder. I know that my God can heal...and does. I know because I've read about in the Bible, I've heard testimonies of it happening, I've seen it happen directly before my eyes, and I've had it happen to me. So, is my God all-powerful and a Healer? I cannot deny that He is.
And so I pray for healing. I pray that the cancer goes away and I believe that it can. That it will, even. I know that the sweet girl fighting this terrible thing desperately longs to be healed by her Maker and believes that He will do that for her. She is filled with faith. And so, for six months, or however long it's been, I pray for healing. Some weeks, I pray more often and with more fervor than others. Some weeks, I completely forget and later struggle with guilt over this. And then last week came. The week where most of the hours of my days were filled with tears, heart-wrenching cries to my Healer and questions as I grasp for faith. The week that seemed like pure hell on earth. I could barely hold conversations without wanting to burst into tears or fall on my knees in prayer.
And when I could do other things, I felt guilty. I felt like I wasn't doing enough, that I hadn't done enough in the past. That I hadn't loved well enough or been a good enough RA before it all. That I hadn't prayed enough over the summer. That I simply was not enough. There was so much more I could have done. More conversations, more hugs, more prayers. More love.
Prayers, tears, guilt, questions. That was all last week was.
And then it all came down. She was gone. She was with Jesus forever, face-to-face. Part of me was joyous because it was finally over and she was finally with Him. Part of me couldn't stop crying and asking God "WHY?!" That was the part that began to question His goodness. How could He be good if He didn't step in and heal Emilee? How could He possibly be good and declare Love over us? How is that Love?
To be honest, I still don't know. But, after going to the service to celebrate Emilee's life and spending some much-needed time away from the Grove, I've been reminded of something.
I cannot decide what God should do based on my definition of goodness. Rather, my definition of goodness should adjust when I discover more and more of who God is.
I don't know why Emilee wasn't healed. I don't know why sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. I haven't a clue. And as much as I hate it at times, I'm glad that I can't understand my God. And I still know that He loves Emilee and that He loves healing His children...whether it's a headache or cancer. There are three simple things that I am taking from this:
1. God is all-powerful and all-good, NO MATTER WHAT.
2. I have a much deeper desire to fight for healing, both physically and emotionally, than I ever have had before. I want to be like Jesus and Jesus healed everyone that approached Him, end of story.
3. I will trust Him. NO MATTER WHAT.
Is this still a struggle? Yes. Do I still have questions and am I crying right now because of them? Yes.
But, I know that God will get me through...even if my questions are never answered. Even if I still have them sixty years from now. I will trust in the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord until the day I do...because when I don't...oh man, when I don't, I cannot live. I cannot function, I cannot do anything. When I am doubting, fearing, approaching Him with nothing but uncertainty, I might as well be dead. It is the worst thing ever and I never want to go back to those moments.
Instead, I am going to approach the throne room of my Papa with confidence that He is full of goodness and love and will give me the answers that I need...not the ones that I want, but the ones that I need. and from there, I will trust and believe.
Monday, October 29, 2012
We've survived so much together...
"We've survived so much together. We'll survive this one together...
Life with You only gets better. It's like a fine wine -- aged with time.
There will be many, many sunny days!"
Just some pieces of last night's spontaneous worship.
I sat on the edge of a chair, singing what feels like has been the song of my heart for a while now, tears threatening to cascade down my face...which they eventually did.
You see, I used to think that the abundant life was an easy one. I thought that if I really was following Jesus, if I just loved Him enough, I would soar through every day completely carefree because my life was pure bliss, the easiest thing in the world.
How wrong I was.
Instead, I've found that the more I fall in love with Jesus, the more I follow Him, the more difficult my life becomes. Oh, there are days of blissful soaring. There are many, many sunny days! So many.
But, there are the storms. There is the rain, the hail, the hurricanes. Sometimes, I can't help but think that life was quite a bit easier before I really loved Him...Satan didn't care about me nearly so much. Now, it's like a constant battle for my soul, for my heart.
I'm not in the middle of a season of sunny days. No, I'm in the middle of a constant, raging war. There are times that I can see that we are winning, Jesus and I. There are also times that I find myself on my knees wondering how on earth He's going to turn this one around, what He could possibly have planned.
A friend just stopped to give a hug and ask how I am. I never seem to know how to answer that question anymore. Good feels like a lie. Bad feels like a lie. Life is good...but hard. That's my most common answer right now...though even that feels like a half-truth, like it's barely scratching the surface. But, any more than that and I'm either dying in laughter or about to collapse in my tears.
That's probably the most accurate answer to how I am...I'm often collapsing in joy and laughter with Jesus. And I'm also often collapsing in tears and questions that are cried out to my Lord. And then, there are the moments when I feel like doing both at the same time. Like right now. Friends come over to give hugs and offer words of love...and I truly don't know if that makes me feel like laughing or weeping.
Oh, my heart. It is such a fickle little thing. All I know is that no matter what I feel at the moment, we will survive this together. Jesus and me. We've survived so much together and we will survive this one together. There WILL be many, many sunny days...even in the midst of the rain.
"I love You, Oh Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.
In my distress, I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From His temple, He heard my voice;
my cry came before Him, into His ears.
He parted the heavens and came down;...
He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place,
He rescued me because He delighted in me."
-- Psalm 18:1-3, 6, 9a, 16-19
Side Note: I would just like to say how thankful I am for the community I have. While writing this note, three people have stopped by to give me hugs and words of real love and encouragement, and I received a text reminding me that Jesus delights in me. Thank You, Lord, for blessing me with such love.
Life with You only gets better. It's like a fine wine -- aged with time.
There will be many, many sunny days!"
Just some pieces of last night's spontaneous worship.
I sat on the edge of a chair, singing what feels like has been the song of my heart for a while now, tears threatening to cascade down my face...which they eventually did.
You see, I used to think that the abundant life was an easy one. I thought that if I really was following Jesus, if I just loved Him enough, I would soar through every day completely carefree because my life was pure bliss, the easiest thing in the world.
How wrong I was.
Instead, I've found that the more I fall in love with Jesus, the more I follow Him, the more difficult my life becomes. Oh, there are days of blissful soaring. There are many, many sunny days! So many.
But, there are the storms. There is the rain, the hail, the hurricanes. Sometimes, I can't help but think that life was quite a bit easier before I really loved Him...Satan didn't care about me nearly so much. Now, it's like a constant battle for my soul, for my heart.
I'm not in the middle of a season of sunny days. No, I'm in the middle of a constant, raging war. There are times that I can see that we are winning, Jesus and I. There are also times that I find myself on my knees wondering how on earth He's going to turn this one around, what He could possibly have planned.
A friend just stopped to give a hug and ask how I am. I never seem to know how to answer that question anymore. Good feels like a lie. Bad feels like a lie. Life is good...but hard. That's my most common answer right now...though even that feels like a half-truth, like it's barely scratching the surface. But, any more than that and I'm either dying in laughter or about to collapse in my tears.
That's probably the most accurate answer to how I am...I'm often collapsing in joy and laughter with Jesus. And I'm also often collapsing in tears and questions that are cried out to my Lord. And then, there are the moments when I feel like doing both at the same time. Like right now. Friends come over to give hugs and offer words of love...and I truly don't know if that makes me feel like laughing or weeping.
Oh, my heart. It is such a fickle little thing. All I know is that no matter what I feel at the moment, we will survive this together. Jesus and me. We've survived so much together and we will survive this one together. There WILL be many, many sunny days...even in the midst of the rain.
"I love You, Oh Lord, my strength.
The Lord is my rock, my fortress, and my deliverer;
my God is my rock, in whom I take refuge.
He is my shield and the horn of my salvation, my stronghold.
I call to the Lord, who is worthy of praise,
and I am saved from my enemies.
In my distress, I called to the Lord;
I cried to my God for help.
From His temple, He heard my voice;
my cry came before Him, into His ears.
He parted the heavens and came down;...
He reached down from on high and took hold of me;
He drew me out of deep waters.
He rescued me from my powerful enemy,
from my foes, who were too strong for me.
They confronted me in the day of disaster,
but the Lord was my support.
He brought me out into a spacious place,
He rescued me because He delighted in me."
-- Psalm 18:1-3, 6, 9a, 16-19
Side Note: I would just like to say how thankful I am for the community I have. While writing this note, three people have stopped by to give me hugs and words of real love and encouragement, and I received a text reminding me that Jesus delights in me. Thank You, Lord, for blessing me with such love.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)