Warning: this is crazy vulnerable and will probably lead to me weeping in this coffee shop. Welcome to the current depths of my heart...well, maybe not quite there, but pretty darn close.
There are two major things I've been struggling with the last couple weeks.
God's goodness and discontentment. This post will just be about the first.
God's goodness. I know that He is all-good. I also know that He is all-powerful. And yet, when a 19-year-old dies of cancer, you being to question, to doubt, to wonder. I know that my God can heal...and does. I know because I've read about in the Bible, I've heard testimonies of it happening, I've seen it happen directly before my eyes, and I've had it happen to me. So, is my God all-powerful and a Healer? I cannot deny that He is.
And so I pray for healing. I pray that the cancer goes away and I believe that it can. That it will, even. I know that the sweet girl fighting this terrible thing desperately longs to be healed by her Maker and believes that He will do that for her. She is filled with faith. And so, for six months, or however long it's been, I pray for healing. Some weeks, I pray more often and with more fervor than others. Some weeks, I completely forget and later struggle with guilt over this. And then last week came. The week where most of the hours of my days were filled with tears, heart-wrenching cries to my Healer and questions as I grasp for faith. The week that seemed like pure hell on earth. I could barely hold conversations without wanting to burst into tears or fall on my knees in prayer.
And when I could do other things, I felt guilty. I felt like I wasn't doing enough, that I hadn't done enough in the past. That I hadn't loved well enough or been a good enough RA before it all. That I hadn't prayed enough over the summer. That I simply was not enough. There was so much more I could have done. More conversations, more hugs, more prayers. More love.
Prayers, tears, guilt, questions. That was all last week was.
And then it all came down. She was gone. She was with Jesus forever, face-to-face. Part of me was joyous because it was finally over and she was finally with Him. Part of me couldn't stop crying and asking God "WHY?!" That was the part that began to question His goodness. How could He be good if He didn't step in and heal Emilee? How could He possibly be good and declare Love over us? How is that Love?
To be honest, I still don't know. But, after going to the service to celebrate Emilee's life and spending some much-needed time away from the Grove, I've been reminded of something.
I cannot decide what God should do based on my definition of goodness. Rather, my definition of goodness should adjust when I discover more and more of who God is.
I don't know why Emilee wasn't healed. I don't know why sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn't. I haven't a clue. And as much as I hate it at times, I'm glad that I can't understand my God. And I still know that He loves Emilee and that He loves healing His children...whether it's a headache or cancer. There are three simple things that I am taking from this:
1. God is all-powerful and all-good, NO MATTER WHAT.
2. I have a much deeper desire to fight for healing, both physically and emotionally, than I ever have had before. I want to be like Jesus and Jesus healed everyone that approached Him, end of story.
3. I will trust Him. NO MATTER WHAT.
Is this still a struggle? Yes. Do I still have questions and am I crying right now because of them? Yes.
But, I know that God will get me through...even if my questions are never answered. Even if I still have them sixty years from now. I will trust in the goodness and faithfulness of the Lord until the day I do...because when I don't...oh man, when I don't, I cannot live. I cannot function, I cannot do anything. When I am doubting, fearing, approaching Him with nothing but uncertainty, I might as well be dead. It is the worst thing ever and I never want to go back to those moments.
Instead, I am going to approach the throne room of my Papa with confidence that He is full of goodness and love and will give me the answers that I need...not the ones that I want, but the ones that I need. and from there, I will trust and believe.
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