contentment, humility, and fighting.

Contentment.

Lately that's seemed like such an elusive word.  I seem to be chasing after it...and occasionally running away from it.  When I manage to hold it in my grasp, it floats away as normal life returns.

Senior year.  I always thought I wouldn't be like everyone else.  I had my pious view of what my senior year would be like.  I would be content where I was.  I wouldn't worry about my future, a job, where I was going to live.  I would enjoy every moment of senior year and praise God without ceasing.  I would love my friends well and live in the moment.  I would be happy where I was, while still looking forward to what was going to come in May.  Oh yes, I was going to have the perfect senior year and be oh so Godly through it all, unlike everyone else I knew.

Lately, God has been humbling me like crazy.  It's so easy to become prideful and judge people based on the season they're in or the ways that they react.  It's so easy to view ourselves as so much more spiritually mature simple because what we are struggling with is different than what they are.

And then we're reminded that we struggle with things, too.  That we are not perfect, as much as we may like to think that we are.  We are reminded that we are just as much in need of grace as the rest of the world.

So, here I am.  Senior year.  Struggling with discontentment and anxiety.  The two things that I thought would never hit me this year.  And yet, here they are.  Humbled.

Yesterday, I picked up a book and hit with a truth that I had somehow forgotten.  Seriously, I just picked up the book, opened it to where I had left off about a month ago and BAM.  We're fighting a spiritual war, guys.  Yes, Jesus promised that He would give us life and life abundantly.  But, He also told us that there's a thief out there that's dead set on stealing, killing, and destroying that abundant life. That little thief is rather sneaky and conniving, too.  He makes us forget that he even exists...or at least that he's fighting against us constantly.

And so, we sit in our discontentment.  We sit in our anxiety.  We wish it away.  We wonder when life will be different...when we'll have our joy again.  Yet, we do nothing to change it.  We fight, but don't give much thought to who we are fighting for.  Which side am I fighting on?  Yes, there are times that the Lord tells us to "Be Still" and allow Him to fight for us.  But, there are also times that we must go into battle.  Goodness, even being still and allowing Him to fight is a battle against our instincts.

Lately, I've found that I fight for the wrong side rather frequently.  I allow thoughts of anxiety to pester me and do nothing about it other than feel guilt and more anxiety about being anxious.  I allow myself to wish away the present and think that I'll be more content when I'm out of school and live in my own little apartment.  And I do nothing when these thoughts come.  I don't always fight them.  Instead, I agree with them because it's easier.  In case you weren't already aware, fighting is hard.  And I often wonder if it's really worth it...because the more I fight against the thief, the harder the battle becomes.

But, guys. We have to fight.  We have to.  I refuse to simply give up and give in.  I refuse to let this little thief steal my joy, steal my peace, steal my life.  Nope. I've decided to fight from now on.  Hold me to that, okay?  When I get weary, remind me to fight.

Remind me to find the simple things in life that used to bring me such joy.
Remind me to take a moment to listen to beautiful music.
Remind me to go outside and enjoy the beautiful sunset that He painted for me.
Remind me to go love the beautiful people in this beautiful world that He loves so deeply.
Remind me to enjoy my beautiful coffee. :)
Remind me to go enjoy beauty.  to go create beauty.  because that is what I love.  and that is how I will fight.