on realizing I can be a stupid asshole...

Warning: this post will contain some cussing. I don't think it's always wrong, and I will use those words. Because there are time that other words truly do not do justice and evoke the same feeling.  I am not a fan of unnecessary swearing.  But, there are times when you just have to if you're going to be honest with yourself...and others. If this offends you, just be glad you haven't read my prayer journal lately...


Today, I realized what a stupid asshole I've been the last few weeks.  Yup.  In so so so many ways.  For one thing, I haven't been loving people well...at all.  I've been running on empty and had nothing to give to anyone else.  I knew this was the case, but was kind of over it and just figured it was time for people to care for me instead.  entitlement....gross.  So, I've been a rather apathetic buttface to the people in my life most of the time.  This is my public apology...for the way I've been acting and the way I will probably continue to act on occasion.  I'm sorry and know that "it's not you, it's me."  No, seriously. It's NOT you. and it is ALL my own problems.

But, even worse than my lack of care for other people, has been my intense apathy towards God.  I realized about a week or so ago that I had stopped trusting God and I didn't care.  Before when I've realized my faith is slipping, I've become rather mortified.  I cling to Jesus and it returns.  Not this time.  My trust, my faith completely fizzled out and, to be honest, I didn't give a shit.  You see, I felt like God had intentionally caused me pain and I was done.  I was done with pain and hurt and heartache.  I was done with trusting Him for the things He had spoken and promised, only to see the opposite happening in real life.  I was done with the heartache of prayers that seemed to be bouncing off the ceiling.

Right now, I'm reading the book God on Mute by Pete Greig.  He talks about how when people are faced with unanswered prayer, they often deal with one of two doubts.  Either God is not all powerful or God is not all good.  I used to doubt God's power, but was so firmly rooted in His goodness and love.  Now, the opposite doubts are bombarding me.  I've seen far too many things to doubt His power anymore.  I know that I know that I know that He is powerful.  I know that He can heal. I know that He can restore and redeem and bring life out of death.  I know that He can raise people from the dead, that He can control the weather, provide finances, and get rid of a headache.  I know that He can set the captives free and bring peace and joy to the brokenhearted.

But, I also know that He doesn't always do those things.

And that's where I've been sitting lately.  My God claims He is all good and yet He doesn't always step in when I know that He can do whatever He wants.  And yet, I'm supposed to trust Him?  When He tells me things, I'm supposed to believe Him.  This, from the same God that says He heals all of our iniquities.  Umm. I haven't seen all of them healed.  And so, I stopped believing in His goodness. I may not have always admitted it.  I'm having a hard time admitting it to you all now.  But, deep within my heart, I've been believing that there is no way God is all good.  Which meant He isn't worthy of my trust...because trusting Him leads to pain and suffering.

Pete Greig wrote this poem:

ENGAGING THE SILENCE

first
there is
prayer
and where there is prayer
there may be
miracles
but where miracles may not be
there are
questions
and where there are questions
there may be
silence
but silence may be
more than
absence
silence
may be presence
muted
silence
may not be nothing but
something
to explore
defy accuse
engage
and
this is
prayer
and where there is prayer
there may yet be
miracles...

Yup. that about sums it up.  And tonight I realized something.  Avoiding, rejecting, and doubting God is not going to heal my hurts.  In fact, it just magnifies them.  I may hurt when I trust Him, but I hurt a whole hell of a lot more when I don't.  The pain is expounded upon when I'm not leaning on Him...it never lets up.  But, when I'm with Him, there are moments of joyful delight.  There are moments of complete and total trust and belief and faith.  There is a deep, unshakeable hope in my soul...and I'm going to get that back if it's the last thing I do.