learning to walk with You

I run along the edge of the cliff, You call out of me, yet I just keep going.  You call again, still I run.  I run with abandon, but without direction...until I fall.  I begin to tumble off the edge of the cliff.  


But, You are there. You grab my hand and hold on.  I tell you to let go.  I kick and climb.  I try to fight my way up the cliff on my own, but it doesn't work.  I scream and cry and beg You to let me fall.  Still, You hold on.  I yell at You and tell You that I want to fall, that falling would be better than this.  You look at me and tell me that You're not letting go.  I become angry and bitter.  And so, I pull the nail out of my pocket and start jamming it into You perfect hand, the hand that holds me.  I had hoped this would make You give up on me and leave me.  No, Your fingers clench even more tightly around mine.  As I keep pounding at the nail, I realize there are hot tears streaming down my face. 


Tears of anger. Tears of frustration, of confusion.  Tears that speak of a fear of love.  


As they pour down my face, You start pulling.  The nail is still in Your hand,  yet still You pull me up.  Your flesh tears and rips; Your blood flows out.  In silence, You keep pulling.  You pull until I'm upon the ground, looking into Your face.  We stare in silence.  You tell me to stop running, that first I must learn to get up and walk with You.  I stand.  We begin our journey again.  I am tempted to run full speed ahead, without knowing the way.  


Then I look down and see Your hand, still bloodied from my nail.  And on we walk, hand in hand.


Yesterday, a friend was playing the guitar and singing/praying.  As she did, this scene played out in my head.  Today, I wrote it down after reading part of Romans 5 with a couple friends.  The weight of the cross is so real to me today.  It seems the deeper my relationship with God goes, the more I learn about Him, the more I realize that I still have to discover.

only You can satisfy my soul

On Tuesdays, I have lots of time for Jesus.  I have breakfast with the wonderful Anna and then I have a date with Jesus at 10.  and no classes.  Granted, today I have to study for my Psych Stats exam (ew.), but still.

I was listening to some wonderful worship music and Garden by Misty Edwards came on.
Now I'm sitting in my favorite small town coffee shop with it on repeat.

I needed this reminder:

"I am not my own; I'm Your garden."

This is such truth.  And I so often forget it...I forget that I am not my own.  I am not Katy Westra's.  I am God's.  I am the bride of Christ.  He is my husband.  I belong to Him.


I used to have a "wedding ring" to Jesus.  Not really a purity ring, but a reminder that I'm already married to the best lover in the whole wide world.  It's not the most expensive ring in the world and one day at camp (when I was climbing over a tall, completely flat wooden wall.  yeah, I'm a beast.) it softened and got all smushed and I haven't really worn it much since.  I didn't even know where I'd put it.  I didn't really care either because I got annoyed with everyone asking about my purity ring and then not getting that it wasn't one.

Today, as Garden was playing and Jesus was reminding me that I am His, I found my ring in a make-up bag that I never use anymore.  I think there was a reason for that.  I'm wearing it today. And I smile every time I see it.  It's not just a trite thing anymore like it once was.  My heart truly belongs to Jesus now.  And it's the best thing ever.

Honestly, I do have a desire to one day be a wife and mother.  This summer, Jesus promised me that would happen and I need to trust Him and not be afraid of it.  I'm excited for whenever that happens, whether it's in two years or twenty.  But, for right now, I'm married to only Jesus and He promises to satisfy me.  He can fulfill me in ways no one else could even begin to and I love belonging to Him.

My ring is etched with the words Joy, Love, and Hope.  I have Joy in the deep Love that I find in Him.  I have Hope that one day I will really get to marry my Jesus and sit at the wedding feast with Him, as His bride.  But, for now, I will rejoice in the love that we have here and learn to find complete satisfaction in Him.

Resting, rekindling, and reworking

I've been on fall break since Wednesday afternoon.  and oh boy, has it been lovely! :)

There were a lot of options of things to do and places to go over fall break...I decided that I needed rest, time with Jesus, and time with my duplex family.  So, I stayed at the duplex where I spent my "summer in the Grove."  We did go to Columbus for most of Friday and Saturday...but even that was restful and delightful! :)

I knew that I needed this break.  Life was starting to really overwhelm me and I felt kind of lost and trapped.  In the last few weeks, I've kind of lost myself and who I became.  I felt myself slipping back to the person I was before this summer.  Was that a horrible person?  No, not technically.  But it certainly is a person not living the abundant life Jesus promised me.

My first morning here, I joined everyone for AOX team prayer.  At the end, Brad prayed and prophesied over me.  God gave him a picture of me at the top of a slanted roof.  But, instead of slipping down the roof, the sides came up to meet my feet until it was a flat roof.  Then the roof turned into a rock and it just kept getting higher and higher and higher.  This summer, there were so many times of feeling like I was fighting to keep up and climb higher...Looking back now, it was like I was on a steep roof, and wondering if every step I took was making me slide down or climb higher.  By the end of the summer, I felt like I was at the top, unsure of where to go next.  In the last few weeks, it's been like my feet have slowly started to drift apart, making me start to slip so gradually I was unaware.

The next part is so beautiful.  This weekend, Jesus reminded me that I don't have to fight to balance on the peak of the roof.  Instead, I just need to rest in Him, rejoice with Him, love on Him, live with Him, and He will make the roof rise up to meet me...and then He will take me higher.

This weekend, the roof rose up to meet me.  It's not 100% flat...but it is oh so close.  And Jesus has been talking to me about how to rework my life so that I let Him make it flat.

This, this life of letting Papa do His work and Jesus simply love me, is simply beautiful.  It is full of peace, rest, tears, pain, hope, joy, laughter, and the deepest love ever imaginable.

I challenge you this week to let Jesus teach you how to rest in Him and simply be loved on by Him.  Some of my sweetest times are when I put down my Bible and journal, turn down the worship music, and just listen to Jesus speaking love over me.  Really listen.

Freed Bird Song

So, Jesus and I kind sorta just wrote a song together as I was praying and trying to go to sleep.  Weird.  for me, anyways.

Here are the lyrics at the moment.  *insert CLAM TIME* [also known as SUPER vulnerability]

p.s. I think the caged bird thingy came from being in the duplex right now...where Courtney and Teresa were always talking of such things :)  ...and definitely feeling this way right now.

Caged bird sing;

Oooh your caged bird song.

Let love flow beneath your wings.

Caged bird fly;

Oooh caged bird fly.

Your heart was made to glide.

Little birdy rest in my arms

Little birdy make Me your home.

I made you.  I love you. 

I sought you.  I paid for you. 

I call you my own.  I never let you go.

So little birdy come to me.  Come to my arms

Little birdy sing your song.

It was made to be shared. 

This life that you're leading now,

I have a better plan.

So come and follow me today,

It's time now to go.

Little birdy don't be scared.

Get out of that cage.

Come along, your wings aren't clipped.

It's time to go higher than you ever imagined.

It's time to go farther than you thought could be.

Let My love carry you there

Let My heart set you free.

Freed bird sing.

Oooh your freed bird song.

Freed bird fly.

Your heart was made to glide.

Jesus finds me worthy of His love.

I've been singing "Unashamed Love" all day long.

Jesus is worthy of my love.  He is beyond worthy of it, actually.  He's worthy of every ounce of love I have to offer.  He's worth it all.  

Best part?  He thinks that I am worthy of His love. 

WHOA.

I can't help but cry at that.  Jesus considers me worthy to be His bride!

wow wow wow wow wow.

First, listen to Unashamed Love:

Now, listen to this song that my friend Hannah just shared with me.  Yes, it's from a man to his wife.  BUT, as Hannah put it "I also feel like it's just Jesus singing over us."  So true.  Jesus sings songs like this to us, the church, His bride, all the time.  We don't always hear it, but I have no doubt that He's doing it.  So, now listen to this song.  To: You.  From: Jesus, the Ultimate Lover.

the importance of rest and family

Papa has been tugging at my heart recently.  More than tugging -- pulling, grabbing, stretching.  He keeps telling me "Rest, Katy.  You need real rest.  You need to get away and spend time ALONE with Me. You need to just be with Me and be focused solely on Me.  You need to be in My word more.  You need to listen to what I have to say to you, for you."  But, I've been struggling with going back to slight "Grover" tendencies.  The idea of business being a good thing.  And even when recognizing that it is not, still remaining busy.  I'm learning that I need to fight for alone time.  I need to fight for long stretches of time with my Jesus when no one else is around.  It is so important to me.  It makes me a completely different person.  

And I have not been fighting for it.  Oh yes, occasionally, I have been.  But daily?  Definitely not.  And I feel it.

This summer, I had it.  Sometimes I had to fight for it...I had to make myself get out of bed early to go get on that porch and be alone with Jesus.  I didn't always want to...but as soon as I got out of bed, I did.  I miss my times on the porch.  I went there Sunday after church and read a Bill Johnson book.  It was wonderful.  I missed my special spot with Jesus...more than I even realized.  I now have a little area next to my desk with pillows and blankets.  It is going to be my new Jesus spot.  I think it needs Christmas lights. :)  Today, I spent over an hour there with Him.  I have a paper due tomorrow that I haven't started, but this is so much more important.  I just soaked.  I read His word.  I journaled.  I listened as Jesus spoke love over me.  It was wonderful.  I'm about to cry just thinking about how much I missed it and longed for it.  It's time to establish a new rhythm of life.

Papa has also been talking to me a bit about family.  Spiritual family -- both the one developing in Grove City and the one that I already have.  I haven't been as good about keeping in touch with all of my family from this summer as I had planned.  Yesterday, I had meal dates with two grovers that I know Papa brought into my life for a reason this year, yet I haven't been reaching out in those relationships as much as I should.  Today, I had two brief conversations with my family.  I realized that I hadn't talked to Bear since he left at the end of August.  I hadn't really talked to Courtney in a few weeks.  I know that I need to do a better job of being intentional.  Yet, today also showed me that family is always family.  Even if we don't talk for a month, we still love each other and know that we're still connected through prayer and the Holy Spirit.  Family is important and I need to make it more of a priority.

So, I have two challenges for you today.  Go rest in Jesus.  just stop what you're doing and go.  Schoolwork is important, but He is even more so.  He's just waiting for you to be with Him.

Then, go and be intentional with someone.  Even if it's just a 30 minute conversation on the phone.  Make time for people.  Make time for a conversation that goes past the shallow.  Share life with people that you used to share life with.  And then share life with people who you haven't before but know that Holy Spirit Friend is telling you to.  I'm pretty sure we all have people like that...people He keeps nudging us towards, yet we ignore it.  Stop ignoring it...go make them your family. :)

Unable to put it into words.

I realized I haven't blogged in months.  This is not for lack of Jesus working in my life.  In fact, it's actually because of the amount He has been working on my heart.  I feel like I'm a different person than the girl who wrote these previous posts.  I still have a lot of the same convictions, the same passions.  It's just all grown.  My love story with Jesus grew more than I even knew if ever could.  This summer, I learned so much about so many different things that I don't even know what to say when people ask.  My life changed.  My view on life changed.  My views on church, the Church, the Holy Spirit, people in general, brokenness, spiritual family, community, baptism, communion, worship, evangelism, ministry, my future, my present.  all of it.  It's all changed a little bit...or a lot.  But, I figured it's time to start sharing what Jesus did in my heart.

And now I have no idea what to say.  I guess I'll try again another day.  Instead, I'll leave you with the song that is currently playing on my computer.  It's beautiful.  Really, all music by the one and only Jasmine Tate is beautiful.  I lived with her in Grove City most of the summer. And let me tell you, it was awesome.  She is an incredible woman of God and I am honored to call her a very dear sister.