Learning how to be myself and embrace grace again.

It's been a while since I wrote like this...I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing.  Regardless, I'm warning you that this post is probably going to be all over the place and those of you who are writers or amazing communicators will probably get frustrated at the lack of flow.  Whatever...this is more me. :)

Last week, I spent some time in Florida.  Oh the things that come up in one's heart when you leave your life, your friends, your roles, responsibilities, and expectations for a week.  In fact, most of the people I spent time with in Florida, I had never met before.  And if I had met them, I'd only spent a few days with them.

This trip surprised me in so many ways.  Rest.  Refreshing.  A reminder of who I really am.

Be>Do.  The mantra that Papa has been speaking over me constantly the last few months.

But, let's be honest...I still don't get it.

I get wrapped up in the doing, wrapped up in the controlling, wrapped up in trying to be perfect.

I spend my days struggling to do everything I can to stop needing grace.

I want to be the perfect employee.  The perfect follower of Jesus.  The perfect friend.  The perfect hostess. The perfect artist.  The perfect lover of people.  And the list goes on...and it's exhausting.

Then I went to Florida and it was like God began stripping away every little "do" in my life and reminded me how to simply "be" again.  Every "do" that I've created in my life didn't exist in Florida.  I spent time with God and I spent time with people.  And it was lovely.  It felt like my soul was stretching out of the little box I've shoved it in recently.

I have a quote on my mirror that says "Tear off the mask.  Your face is glorious!"  The community in Florida taught me how true this is.  They don't live with the masks that I grew so accustomed to both as a pastor's kid and while I was in college.  Being in West Palm allowed me to tear off my mask...to not "do" at all and simply be who Jesus created me to be.

Without any of the unhealthy expectations that I place on myself, I was free to enjoy Jesus and people more fully.
I was free to admit struggles, failures, and fears and to embrace grace with my gaze on Jesus. 

In that, I felt parts of my heart being reawakened.  Parts that I thought were simply too flighty, too irresponsible, too dreamy and idealistic to be allowed to think about and run after now that I'm supposed to be a grown-up, successful college grad.  Desires and dreams and little parts of who I am being given little hints of life again.  And they were being given life out of a healthy place...out of overflow.  It felt wonderful...and a bit childish.  Though looking back now, I wonder if I've started placing all things childlike into the childish box.

I wish that I could say that now that I'm back it's all totally different.  I wish I could say that every little demon that tells me that I'm not good enough, that tells me to keep doing and to run from grace has left. That hasn't happened yet.  It's a process of learning to stop listening to the lies from Satan, to humble myself, to daily admit that I do not, in fact, have all my shit together.

It's the process of learning how to embrace grace again.  
It's hard and it's beautiful.  It's scary and it's freeing.  
At the end of the day, it's learning how to live at the feet of Jesus again and again and again.

wanderlust and joy

The last few days have been a struggle in contentment.  My heart is longing for adventure.  My soul is screaming "get me out of here!"  Yet, there's no where to go, nothing to do...or, at least, so it feels.

In the last few weeks, friends have been all over Europe, Africa, the West Coast...anywhere but here. and I've been fighting those pangs of jealousy that so often creep in.

Do you know those days?  When wanderlust seems to be surging through your bloodstream.  When your very bones feel like they're about to burst with a need for life...a different life. a more exciting, more adventurous, more grand life full of new things.

I used to think wanderlust was such a fantastic word...it caused my eyes to get big, my heart to swell, and a smile to stretch across my face.  Now, I have mixed feelings.  Sometimes, it does that...and sometimes, I hate it.  I want to throw bricks at it and curse it.  Because I can let it ruin things.  I can take a good sense of adventure and freedom that God placed in me and allow it to take over.  That's what it's been doing lately...taking over.

My job, my church, my friends, my town, everything suddenly feels like a trap.  What felt exhilarating and exciting months ago suddenly feels dreary.  The things that usually bring me the most joy and freedom have felt like shackles on my feet.

And I know that they shouldn't, that they aren't.  Deep down, I know that this is the season of life I've supposed to be living in.  Just a couple weeks ago, I was so grateful for it, I was so full of joy and excitement and wonder at this new stage of life.  I thought it was amazing.  Adventure was still coursing through my veins.  I felt like a free little bird exploring and everything and everyone I came across was worthy of awe.  And then I stopped being thankful.

You see, I think that's where this all stemmed from.  The deep gratitude that I was living in was cut off...I'm not sure how or when or why, I just know that it happened.  I stopped choosing to find joy and fun in the seemingly mundane tasks of life.  Looking for ways to be filled with thanks and amazement ceased.  Instead, I've been allowing my heart to become restless and discontent.  I've been allowing jealousy and comparison to come in.  I've been allowing my heart to toy with the possibilities of what I could be doing instead.  And it's stealing my joy.

Until now.  When we realize what's wrong in our hearts, in our lives, we are no longer able to idly sit by in ignorance.  No, now I have a choice.  I can choose to stay in my discontentment.  Or I can choose to put on my battle clothes and wage war on this beast.  I'm waging war.  I don't know how I'm going to do it yet, but I think this blog post is the beginning.  And my new little adventure fund jar.  Adventure is right here...but it's also out there. I want to embrace both aspects of it.  :)

No matter where I am, I want to remember this:
Adventure is not dependent upon where I am, who I am with, or what I am doing; it's rooted in the posture of my heart.

a greater depth of gratitude

Beginning this last fall, Papa has been teaching me about gratitude.  It hasn't been a topic that is constant, but one that is consistent.

I read most of Ann Voskamp's book "A Thousand Gifts" before I accidentally left it on an airplane.  I suppose now it's someone else's gift. ;)  The book challenged me and grew me.  It also left me with questions.

Gratitude.  Not always my strong suit.  Sure, I have moments of crazy thanksgiving, but a lifestyle?  Not really.

The idea that's really had me hung up this year has been giving thanks in all things and for all things. (Ephesians 4:20).  When someone dies of cancer, I can thank God for their life and for a myriad of other things...except their death.  When I pray for rain, I have a hard time thanking Him for sunshine.  When I pray for sunshine, I am not thankful for the rain. I tried to create a theology of thanksgiving...can I give thanks when the opposite of what I've been praying for happens? Can I give thanks when I believe evil is winning the battle?  How do I remain thankful while still walking in the authority given to the Church by Jesus?

Ann Voskamp posted this blog yesterday that kind of rocked me.  in a good way.  Please go read all of it.

This was like a fist in the gut... 

If I only thank Him when the fig tree buds — is this “selective faith”? Practical atheism? What of faith in a God who wastes nothing? Who makes all into grace?

If I know that He has promised to bring good out of all things, should I not thank Him for all things?   

I've decided this is what I want to remember. this is what rings true.

Murmuring thanks isn’t to deny that an event is a tragedy and neither does it deny that there’s a cracking fissure straight across the heart.

Giving thanks is only this: making the canyon of pain into a megaphone to proclaim the ultimate goodness of God.

I can still admit that no, this is not the way the world was intended to be.  Yes, there is such a thing as a righteous anger against suffering and injustice and pain.  Yes, Christ is going to redeem and heal.  Yes, He wants to use the Church to do just that.

But, as Ann point out in her blog, refusing to give thanks is saying that Christ cannot redeem the situation any longer.

Even after death, He can redeem.  Even after abuse, He can redeem.  Even after pain and betrayal, He can redeem.

Rather than becoming defeated and bitter, I long to be filled with gratitude.  I long to have a heart that looks forward to how God is going to bring Himself the most Glory and how I can be a part of that.  A thankful heart brings God glory.  A bitter heart does not...yet. ;)

Practice thankfulness in the midst of pain, confusion, doubt, worry, suffering.  Let's practice together, shall we?

Thank You for heat and humidity.
Thank You for change and transition.
Thank You for showing me that You will provide for my every need through community and crazy financial miracles.
Thank You for frustrating relationships that grow me.
Thank You for pain that causes me to run to You.
Thank You for uncertainty that makes me lean on You.
Thank You for circumstances that cause me to need to hear Your voice more often.
Thank You for death that reminds me of Your constant goodness in all circumstances.
Thank You for the wilderness that speaks to me of Your faithfulness and nearness to me.

Thank You for more opportunities for Redemption to win...whatever that looks like.

Throwing Off Fear.

Today, I was a bit thrown off.  I was looking at the google searches that have led people to my blog in the last month.

This one stuck out: "aox grove city, problems"

My initial response was "Oy." And then I laughed.  And then I realized that whoever has issues with my church (and employer and closest friends!) now associates them with me.  It's probably a college student.  Very likely someone that I know...yikes.

Satan came creeping at the part of my mind labeled "reputation"...he tried to instill a fear of what others think.

Ironic that I noticed this today...the day I returned to Grove City College after being gone for a week in Illinois and Kansas.  A week of sharing the love of Jesus openly and freely.  A week of not holding back my charismatic beliefs and simply freely expressing my love for Papa God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.  When we got back to campus last night, a friend and I prayer walked campus for a bit.  I realized the chains that threatened to shackle me.  The chains of caring what others think about me and my faith.  I felt my freedom threatening to give way to fear.  The thought of others seeing me lay hands on buildings and rooms and praying loudly for God to shake our campus...yikes.  What will they think?  How will I be perceived?  Will anyone respect me anymore?  Or will I just be that crazy charismatic girl?  Will they think I'm judging them instead of loving them?  Can they hear me praying in tongues?  Will they judge the fact that I'm out at 1 AM praying with a guy?  (That's not acceptable at my college...unless you're dating.)

From now on, I refuse to let those questions control the way I live my life. I'm tired of strapping on chains when I step foot on a Christian campus...chains that Jesus died to break.

This post is hard for me to write.  Because there are little demons trying to make me delete it.  Because once this is out there, I'm officially saying "Call me the crazy charismatic girl if you want...that doesn't define me.  I know who I am in Jesus and that's what matters. And I love you...and want you to hold me to showing that."  Because once this is out there, the whole campus has access to the fact that I wander around at night praying in tongues for them.  Yup. I speak in tongues.  A LOT.  I pray for healing for people.  I expect miracles, signs, and wonders to happen around me.  I don't believe in coincidences.  I believe Holy Spirit wants to shake our campus and set people free.

I refuse to hide any longer.  I refuse to keep my mouth shut because I may be judged, because you may think that the way I follow Jesus isn't legitimate. I refuse to not express my love for Jesus wholeheartedly out of fear of what you may say about it.

I refuse to give way to fear.  Because that's what it all is...fear that comes straight from the pit of hell.  Fear that is a liar.

So, yes. I am a part of AOX. Yes, I believe in the Holy Spirit and all of the "charismatic" gifts that come with Him.  But, no, that's not the basis of my life.  I don't go around chasing miracles.  I chase Jesus...or more accurately, He chases me.  And it's been a beautiful, insane, scary, freeing journey that I'd love to share with you.  Just ask.  (I warn you that I may be a bit taken off guard and speechless. Bear with me as I learn to be vulnerable.)

Jesus already bought my freedom.  It's time to start living like it.

steadfast in hope

There has been one prayer that has resonated in my soul time and time again lately. Almost every day, I find myself uttering the words "Make me into a woman who is steadfast in hope."

I know people who choose words for the year, who decide on one word they want to describe that year, that semester.  I've never been one to do that sort of thing.  Until this year, when it just simply happened.

Hope.

A few summers ago, I remember the Lord putting a dream into my heart of one day owning a home with the word "HOPE" sprawled across the front door.  Figuratively, yes, but also literally.  A haven of hope for those who have lost it.  A place of the resurrection of hope and faith.  In order to have hope flowing through my home, I must first have it become what my heart screams into the darkness and what my life tells to others.

This semester, that is what I long for.  Not a hope that fades or passes away.  I long for a hope in Christ, in His promises to me, that is steadfast, immovable.  Every single day, I long to be able to say that my hope is not reliant on my present circumstances.  I desire to be able to say that no matter what the world throws at me, I will cling to my Hope, my God.

Even in the last few weeks, as this has begun to come up over and over and over again, this has been increasingly hard.  Hope is hard to come by right now.  Satan is throwing down the gauntlet and is trying to strip me of every last once of hope I have.  The beautiful thing?  Lately, this has just been sending me running, rushing, falling, collapsing into my Saviour's arms.

It's beautiful in the ugliest way.  Interesting realization...I've always loved finding the beauty in the ugly.  I used to have photographs of trash, dumps, and littered alleys on my dorm room walls.  It wasn't your typical beauty, but I adored it.  To some, it looked ugly and depressing.  To me, it looked like a real world filled with hope.  I suppose, now, the Lord is teaching me to love that beauty in the ugly areas of life.

He's been talking to me a lot lately about the weather.  It's been really freaking cold for the last month (other than a couple little reprieves).  Yet, the snow.  Guys, the snow is so beautiful.  There have been multiple days I've just freaked out because it legitimately looked like it was snowing glitter.  It was stunning.  But then, it got muddy.  The beauty started to fade away as we kept walking through it.  And then the Lord started speaking about the life beneath the snow.  There is life forming that we cannot yet see.  It's there and we will get to witness it...just not yet.  Patience, children.  Patience, and the new life will come.  The greener days, the springtime will return.  For now, enjoy the snow, find the beauty in this wintery season.

My prayer today, for you and for me, is that the Lord will make us steadfast in hope.  That our foundations will be so solid that no storm can shake us.

Now everyone go listen to Sean Feucht's Song for Nations CD.  It's on Spotify.  It's been craaaaazyyyyy wrecking me.  Including while I was writing this.

faithfulness, laughter, joy...a brief update.

I figured after my last post, I should probably give y'all a bit of an update so you're not too worried about me. :) haha

GOD IS AWESOME.  that about sums it up. 

seriously, guys.  Since I last posted, He's been slowly but surely re-romancing me and blowing me away with who He is.  He's been stripping me of my doubt and replacing it with trust in who He says He is and what He promises.  It's been slow and painful...but so amazing.  Yet again, I'm learning so much about accepting grace from both Him and others.  Have I been an asshole recently? Oh yes.  Yet, all of my friends and community love me deeply anyway.  and God has been giving me more mercy and grace than I'm even willing to accept right now. 

That's a big one at the moment...accepting the grace He gives me.  One of my dearest friends recently sent me what will be a blog post (*ahem*) about learning to walk in grace.  It was beautiful, amazing, and made me cry.  and makes me cry as I think about it.  I reject God's grace so often.  I refuse to accept it. I refuse to allow Him to give me grace.  WHAT THE HECK AM I DOING?!?!?!?!?!?!

I don't know.  But He's teaching me.  and I am learning to accept grace.  and it is absolutely wrecking me. Last night, I spent time weeping and laughing with the Lord. I haven't laughed like that with God in months.  And I missed it so much...I can't even describe.  Guys, if you've never laughed in worship...well, I bless you with Holy laughter.  It's truly one of the most beautiful things God has let me experience in worship and prayer and time with Him...to just be overtaken with laughter and joy that comes from Him alone...INCREDIBLE. It's kind of one of my favorite things...and believe me, it has NOT been happening lately.  So, to be so overcome by God's presence and incredible Love and Grace and Faithfulness...I was undone. I was a mess. I'm still a mess. I've been randomly laughing and almost crying today.  As I walk to class, as I sit in HAL...

I am undone before Him and it is so beautiful.  It's still a constant struggle.  Satan still attacks and tries to rip me of my hope and joy.  But he's losing right now and I like it that way!  

Now, everyone, go listen to this song.  And I pray that it blasts you even more than it's been blasting me.

on realizing I can be a stupid asshole...

Warning: this post will contain some cussing. I don't think it's always wrong, and I will use those words. Because there are time that other words truly do not do justice and evoke the same feeling.  I am not a fan of unnecessary swearing.  But, there are times when you just have to if you're going to be honest with yourself...and others. If this offends you, just be glad you haven't read my prayer journal lately...


Today, I realized what a stupid asshole I've been the last few weeks.  Yup.  In so so so many ways.  For one thing, I haven't been loving people well...at all.  I've been running on empty and had nothing to give to anyone else.  I knew this was the case, but was kind of over it and just figured it was time for people to care for me instead.  entitlement....gross.  So, I've been a rather apathetic buttface to the people in my life most of the time.  This is my public apology...for the way I've been acting and the way I will probably continue to act on occasion.  I'm sorry and know that "it's not you, it's me."  No, seriously. It's NOT you. and it is ALL my own problems.

But, even worse than my lack of care for other people, has been my intense apathy towards God.  I realized about a week or so ago that I had stopped trusting God and I didn't care.  Before when I've realized my faith is slipping, I've become rather mortified.  I cling to Jesus and it returns.  Not this time.  My trust, my faith completely fizzled out and, to be honest, I didn't give a shit.  You see, I felt like God had intentionally caused me pain and I was done.  I was done with pain and hurt and heartache.  I was done with trusting Him for the things He had spoken and promised, only to see the opposite happening in real life.  I was done with the heartache of prayers that seemed to be bouncing off the ceiling.

Right now, I'm reading the book God on Mute by Pete Greig.  He talks about how when people are faced with unanswered prayer, they often deal with one of two doubts.  Either God is not all powerful or God is not all good.  I used to doubt God's power, but was so firmly rooted in His goodness and love.  Now, the opposite doubts are bombarding me.  I've seen far too many things to doubt His power anymore.  I know that I know that I know that He is powerful.  I know that He can heal. I know that He can restore and redeem and bring life out of death.  I know that He can raise people from the dead, that He can control the weather, provide finances, and get rid of a headache.  I know that He can set the captives free and bring peace and joy to the brokenhearted.

But, I also know that He doesn't always do those things.

And that's where I've been sitting lately.  My God claims He is all good and yet He doesn't always step in when I know that He can do whatever He wants.  And yet, I'm supposed to trust Him?  When He tells me things, I'm supposed to believe Him.  This, from the same God that says He heals all of our iniquities.  Umm. I haven't seen all of them healed.  And so, I stopped believing in His goodness. I may not have always admitted it.  I'm having a hard time admitting it to you all now.  But, deep within my heart, I've been believing that there is no way God is all good.  Which meant He isn't worthy of my trust...because trusting Him leads to pain and suffering.

Pete Greig wrote this poem:

ENGAGING THE SILENCE

first
there is
prayer
and where there is prayer
there may be
miracles
but where miracles may not be
there are
questions
and where there are questions
there may be
silence
but silence may be
more than
absence
silence
may be presence
muted
silence
may not be nothing but
something
to explore
defy accuse
engage
and
this is
prayer
and where there is prayer
there may yet be
miracles...

Yup. that about sums it up.  And tonight I realized something.  Avoiding, rejecting, and doubting God is not going to heal my hurts.  In fact, it just magnifies them.  I may hurt when I trust Him, but I hurt a whole hell of a lot more when I don't.  The pain is expounded upon when I'm not leaning on Him...it never lets up.  But, when I'm with Him, there are moments of joyful delight.  There are moments of complete and total trust and belief and faith.  There is a deep, unshakeable hope in my soul...and I'm going to get that back if it's the last thing I do.